The world you come from; opportunity to raise a child with an intellectual disability

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Im stuck ending both my intro and last paragraph
please critique
give lots of feedback

Seventeen years ago, my mother held me close into her arms as my grandmother filmed and smiled with joyfulness welcoming their first baby girl into a family five. Although, my mother was young, she was prepared and excited for a new beginning. It didn't take me long to realize the struggles and life commitments she made to make sure I had everything I needed.

A week before Christmas in 2001, Children's Hospital doctors told my mother that my youngest sister, Wendy who had been diagnosed with Down Syndrome back in 1999 had Pneumonia. So there I was, sitting on Santa Claus lap right next to Wendy's' hospital crib, whispering quietly into his ear, "I don't want any toys this year, I just want to go home with her." As a child I could never understand why we were put in a situation like this or simply how we could ever live normal lives. This state of innocence persisted through my early teens, however, was rapidly changing everyday as the confusion switched to a strong love and care for her. This helped me realize how much I've grown and changed mentally as a person. After a successful battle with my sisters Pneumonia, I'm thankful my family and I were given the opportunity to raise a child with an intellectual disability. Wendy's happy and cheerful character is always there to make people smile and has made me a better person. Because my sister isn't like everyone else I have stressed the importance of acceptance towards others and value respect as an important characteristic in a person. I have accepted my responsibilities as an older sister and know that the focuses in my life won't always be about myself.

Midway through my sophomore year in high school I decided to join Best Buddies Club, through my involvement with this club, I gained an appreciation for people with disabilities. It also helped me connect with my peers and get them to establish one-to-one friendships with the students. It is an essential part of life to connect people through the power of our community by helping or asking for help. The Best Buddies program teaches you about life, friendship and to 'think outside the box'. This program has been very eye opening for me because it helped me to realize that the little things can make a huge difference in a person's life. My family, culture and experiences associated with my lifestyle are simply the reason behind the person I am today. I am blessed to be surrounded by a loving family, because their the ones that help me shape the views and impressions I have of the world. I have three younger sisters and to them I am their second mom. Being the oldest has also helped me develop my social and leadership skills, by taking the responsibly of looking over them on a daily basis and making sure I set a good example. It is gratifying to see how much this has made me mature and ready to tackle further situations. Opportunities like these have really made it possible for me to achieve and set higher aspirations.

As I am preparing myself to graduate from high school I am one step closer to entering the real world and starting my new life. Towards the end of my junior year in high school I began to research multiple careers that interested me. After hours of being online, opening and closing new tabs I came to my decision, "I want to major in Forensic Psychology" I said to myself. Curiosity has driven me to do many things and has allowed me to combine different aspects of myself, establishing my chosen career. With my mothers own struggles and Wendy's long health battle, I've decided that my strongest quality is helping and giving advice to others. I am comfortable sharing my own opinions and applying my knowledge to help people solve everyday problems. Forensic psychologist are often involved in their own world trying to apply the study of behavioral actions and the investigation of the law. This field in psychology has the opportunity to help others, show them commitment and in the end is a challenging but rewarding career. My experiences have shown me that social tendencies may rise and fall, but passion is always above everything else. I have made a commitment to follow my passion in studying the complex processes that take place to produce human behavior, cognition, and emotion. I believe that with effort and determination I will achieve....

I think you could take out the first two sentences of this essay. They detract from the next most important moment, which is the diagnosis of Wendy.

So there I was, sitting on Santa Claus lap right next to Wendy's' hospital crib, whispering quietly into his ear - Should be her :)

, "I want to major in Forensic Psychology" I said to myself. - I think the whole part about researching new careers seems kind of disjointed, because most of this essay is talking about your relationship with Wendy, yet Forensic Psychology doesn't seem to have much to do with mentally disabled people. Perhaps in the last paragraph you could explain more in-depth what led you specifically to pursue forensic psychology from your experiences with Wendy and the Best Buddies club.

You have great content but there are a few grammar problems a word processor should be able to fix. Best of luck to you!

Overall it reads very well, however you need to read through it a couple of times as there are some words missing. It's interesting, engaging and keep the reader wanting to read on.. exactly what you need of a personal statement.

On the last line you need something hard hitting and which also ties the piece together.. Maybe something along the lines of 'I believe that with effort, determination and commitment I will achieve everything I want and desire in life' ( just an example) I'm sure you can come up with something better than my example though! You've done a great job with the rest of it.

There are some issues with punctuation.


The bolded part is makes the sentence sound a little awkward. I would reword it to something like.. "When the hospital Santa Claus asked what I wanted for Christmas, I whispered quietly into his ear "I don't want any toys this year I just want to go home with her". The period should be after the quotation marks, I believe.


I would reword "because my sister isn't like everyone else". Maybe change to "due to my sister's condition"

I would try to tie in the first paragraph with the second. There is too big of a gap from your sister and how she has changed you directly into you in high school. I would save this part...


until the end of the essay.