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UC Prompt #1 - World travel teaching lessons?

deechan634 1 / -  
Nov 23, 2012   #1
Hi, I need so URGENT help on this paper! Any criticism or changes are welcome. You can read it below:

As I lift my head high and open my mouth, my voice escalates with every tune that comes out. My father and sisters join in and sing with me. My father starts to beat his hands on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the Portuguese song. The car bounced on the road as we simultaneously beat on our laps like thundering drums. We get some perplexed looks from our neighboring drivers which send us into a fit of laughter.

My father had always been a man of expedition. He loved to travel and every time he returned home from his journeys, he would purchase a CD filled with music from the country. Even as little girls, My sisters and I had always sung along with him, even though we couldn't pronounce a word. As years went by, I began to learn about other cultures through the musical melodies that were played through the CDs of the car. I learned of the Eskista of Ethiopia, the Merengue of the Dominican Republic, and the samba of Brazil. Unbeknownst me, I was starting to build a bridge between me and the rest of the world. He would tell me stories of his journeys that galvanized me and sent my hunger for adventure skyrocketing. I had decided that I wanted to travel the world. In the next 10 years, I traveled to Cameroon, Japan, Canada, Belgium, Mexico, Jamaica, and Hawaii. All of these cultures had something different to offer, which I absorbed deep within me. I learned to appreciate the cultures of the world and the different people live them. I also learned that all countries have a story to tell: about their struggles for independence, battles for justice, and success in the world around them.

Through my travels, I learned importance of acceptance and unity. With these very important attributes, I know for certain that I can pursue my goals and aspirations that will help me reach a good career and create a better life for my family and myself.
suzeroonie 3 / 17 1  
Nov 23, 2012   #2
Instead of "the car bounced on the road" it should be the car bounces on the road, because everything else you've written has been in present tense.

We get some perplexed looks from our neighboring drivers which send ussending us into a fit of laughter.

I would go into even more specific examples of how travelling has influenced you. How does it let you know that you can pursue your goals? What are those goals and how do they relate to travel? Good luck :)
hamida1106 - / 3  
Nov 23, 2012   #3
Your essay starts out great i just feel that it ends really weak in the last paragraph. To me it sounds very generic, the beginning is so interesting and different and then you end with something that doesn't really connect very well. i feel like you should just end it and wrap up after the large paragraph, the ending is a bit again cliche and redundant.

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