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'write your future roommate a letter' Can someone give comments on my essay?



christies 3 / 8  
Oct 11, 2012   #1
This is an essay for Georgia Tech. I'm kinda worry about my essay. I wonder if it really matches with the topic, so can you guys give some opinions to me? Thank you!

Topic:You are about to write your future roommate a letter. Please provide the roommate with a personal story that will give him/her some insight into your personality.

Dear Roommate,

Hi! My name is Christie and I'm going to be your roommate for the coming year. I

can't tell you how excited I am to get a roommate. This will be my first boarding

experience, and I'm looking forward to it.

Unlike most of the students, I wasn't raised in the United States. Although I was

born here, my parents brought me back to Hong Kong when I was

three. Hong Kong is a crowded, busy city. People are always rushing through streets

and buildings. All of us are like the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, always

busy and never having enough time. Because of the lack of time, we learn to work

efficiently. Growing up in a city like that, I have become one of them, working till

late at night, not letting myself get rest unless everything is done.

As Hong Kong is small but with a huge population, competition between students

is big. What always pushes me to study is not homework or tests, but the

environment that I'm in. For example, I have been playing piano for about nine years, and am now

Grade eight (Grade ten is the highest level). Playing piano seems to be a special thing

in the United States, but not in Hong Kong. If you are going to a top-ranked

secondary school, at least half of your classmates can play the piano, and most of

them are Grade eight as well. If they can't play any musical instruments, they

would be good at sports. This was how competitive my classmates were:

smart and talented.

I worked hard in order to be competitive. I'm a self-motivated person. My parents

no longer had to worry about my studying after I went to secondary school. Unlike

what you might have heard before, although I was attending one of the top-ranked

secondary schools in Hong Kong, I didn't receive a

lot of homework or quizzes. What my teachers would usually do was give us a lot of

extra practices, but they were not mandatory. They gave us a choice whether to do

it, or not. I always did those extra practices because they are the only way for me to

achieve a higher score on my exams and stay competitive with my classmates. As our teachers are always busy, they would

usually upload the answers to our homework to the Internet so that we could check

the answers by ourselves. Of course I knew people who would just copy answers

from the Internet. I wasn't one of them because I didn't want to waste any chance to

practice what I had learned. This is especially true for my elective classes in Science,

which require a lot of practicing in order to master the skill.

Many people are critical of the educational system in Hong Kong, saying that this

is too much for a secondary school student; I don't agree with them. Everyone is

born with laziness. Who doesn't want to put down their books and have fun? But in

order to succeed, the first thing you have to do is to overcome your inertia. I have

heard a story about seagulls sitting on a dock. A seagull intends to fly away,

decides to do so, and talks with the other seagulls about how wonderful it is to fly.

But as long as the seagull is still sitting on the dock, there's no difference

between that seagull and the others. Actions speak louder than words. No matter

what dreams you have, until you start doing something to achieve your dream, you

are just the same as the others. This educational system is just trying to get

everybody moving, to help them to overcome their inertia and achieve their

dreams. What shaped me into who I am is this educational system, and I'm satisfied

with who I am.

As I have told you before, I went back to Hong Kong not long after I was born. I

have only been studying in the United States for a year up to now. My English is still

full of a Chinese accent, which I hope you won't mind in the future. I'm working hard

to improve my English. Although we may not be taking the same major and cannot always

help each other out academically, we can always encourage each other during studying. I believe

we can become good friends in the future.

Hong Kong is always described as the Pearl of the Orient because of its

beautiful night scenery. I hope both of us can also be the light of this world; shining

in the darkness, and making contributions to make our world a better place.

Best wishes,
Christie Shea

bryantjet 2 / 3  
Oct 14, 2012   #2
Hi Christie Shea, I like the approach you are trying to reach but as reading this essay i got a little bored. I feel like more concrete examples of your personality is needed. I mainly got you are hard working. Colleges like that but they also want to see what else. Something that makes you you. Some cliches were in there so i suggest finding a way to express those cliches in your way words. Overall it was a good essay
kathytheson 5 / 11  
Oct 14, 2012   #3
You have a nice concept to this essay but I would make it more related to your personal life
karinaestrada16 3 / 6  
Oct 14, 2012   #4
I don't think this essay answers the question very well. You should just focus on one thing about you and expand on it.


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