I just completely abandoned my other essay and rewrote this one today (not the smartest thing to do the day before the deadline, I know), so I would really appreciate some feedback. I have specific parts I want critiqued that are marked with stars, but any other comments are welcome. Please help me with grammar and content. Thanks!
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
It was a bleak February morning. The fog clinging to the frost encrusted windows blurred the outside view, and the irrepressible winds shook the entire school. The third graders of Ms. Gangi's class were restless, and her struggles to keep them on task were in vain. The assignment, to write an original story, had long since been forgotten by most of the class, but for me it was different. My imagination ran wild as I stared at the blank sheet of paper before me. Copious ideas of what I could write were shooting at me nonstop, attacking me left and right. After staring at the blank sheet of paper just moments longer, I finally grabbed a hold on one of those ideas, abandoned all precaution, took the pen in my hand, and began to write.
After we turned in our stories that day I discovered that, despite the fact that it was just another assignment, writing really was something I felt passionate about, and since then, writing has become a talent of mine that I pride myself in. My writing has come a long way, transforming from simple poems with awkward rhymes to novels which reveal parts of who I am.
I have always enjoyed doing all I can to get people to smile. I can rarely be content if I know that someone I care about is upset, and so I use my writing as a way to help others. In fifth grade when my grandfather was sick abed, I decided to write some poems for him, and the smile that lighted his face when he read them was like a silent sign of encouragement. As I swelled with joy at his reaction, I realized that this was what I wanted to do. I have continued to write for people when they are not feeling well, and it has given me more patience, made me pay closer attention to details and better understand the people and the world around. Creating stories that make people feel better gives me a type of satisfaction that is rare for me to find in anything else.
It is late at night, but I am still awake. The lights are dimmed; the only sound being the rhythmic clicking of my fingers across the keyboard. The desperate need to get the words down on the page, to finish the story and share my characters with the world, has immersed me. I have a burning desire to write and will keep writing until every word has been written.
*Insane seems too...dramatic here. Any suggestions for another word I could use?
**Does this answer how this relates to me as a person enough or should I elaborate?
***I despise this last line, and it sounds awkward. Any suggestions for changing it?
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
It was a bleak February morning. The fog clinging to the frost encrusted windows blurred the outside view, and the irrepressible winds shook the entire school. The third graders of Ms. Gangi's class were restless, and her struggles to keep them on task were in vain. The assignment, to write an original story, had long since been forgotten by most of the class, but for me it was different. My imagination ran wild as I stared at the blank sheet of paper before me. Copious ideas of what I could write were shooting at me nonstop, attacking me left and right. After staring at the blank sheet of paper just moments longer, I finally grabbed a hold on one of those ideas, abandoned all precaution, took the pen in my hand, and began to write.
After we turned in our stories that day I discovered that, despite the fact that it was just another assignment, writing really was something I felt passionate about, and since then, writing has become a talent of mine that I pride myself in. My writing has come a long way, transforming from simple poems with awkward rhymes to novels which reveal parts of who I am.
I have always enjoyed doing all I can to get people to smile. I can rarely be content if I know that someone I care about is upset, and so I use my writing as a way to help others. In fifth grade when my grandfather was sick abed, I decided to write some poems for him, and the smile that lighted his face when he read them was like a silent sign of encouragement. As I swelled with joy at his reaction, I realized that this was what I wanted to do. I have continued to write for people when they are not feeling well, and it has given me more patience, made me pay closer attention to details and better understand the people and the world around. Creating stories that make people feel better gives me a type of satisfaction that is rare for me to find in anything else.
It is late at night, but I am still awake. The lights are dimmed; the only sound being the rhythmic clicking of my fingers across the keyboard. The desperate need to get the words down on the page, to finish the story and share my characters with the world, has immersed me. I have a burning desire to write and will keep writing until every word has been written.
*Insane seems too...dramatic here. Any suggestions for another word I could use?
**Does this answer how this relates to me as a person enough or should I elaborate?
***I despise this last line, and it sounds awkward. Any suggestions for changing it?
