It's for Rutgers and I know I'm late so I want to send it by Friday. Please help!
Here's the prompt:
"Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces."
Here's my essay:
Academy for Environmental Leadership (AEL). A New Visions high school. My high school. My experience there has always been...different. But before the presumption comes to mind that I must have been a loner or an outcast, I must dismiss it. It was the school itself that was different, and attending the school is what in turn makes me different.
I remember my eclipsing middle school days where I could picture the "perfect" high school. Soon, I'd be bombarded with the load of ten different extracurricular activities and classes far beyond the usual English and math. My imagination roared with images of high schools like the ones I'd seen in movies and on TV, and I couldn't wait to get there. The challenge that high school proposed was enticing, and everyday I became more anxious. Then I entered AEL.
The high school I'd pictured was nowhere to be found. This school had no extracurriculars, no AP courses, and -in true teenage manner- my disappointment hit a new low with the knowledge that there were no lockers! This school was brand new -still in its plastic seal- when I arrived, and I am actually part of its first ever graduating class. When I told my friends -who attended different high schools- about the barrenness of this one, all they could muster up was: "You're lucky. High school will be a breeze." Oh, how wrong they were.
The fact that this school lacked so much of what I wished for is what made it so incredibly challenging. The truth is, I couldn't just accept that I would have no clubs or activities; it was in no way an option. So along with a few other students and teachers, clubs such as the school's Gay Straight Alliance and Music Group came to exist. I also searched outside of my school for the opportunity to join extracurriculars based on community research. I worked diligently without the expectation that there would ever be any of these classes or clubs for me to be a part of, but later on, I became a part of AP and honors classes in other academies on my campus.
I am well aware that my application will differ greatly when compared to those of other students. A vast majority of applicants will most likely have applications enriched with all the extracurriculars and college level courses which I never had in my grasp, and that is what makes my experience different. While I resented my school in the beginning, the experience -the hidden challenge- it did hand me, is what made me a leader, not just in school, but in life.
*Now I know it needs LOADS of work, but I'm kinda stuck. Thanks everyone!
Your essay is pretty good, but does have a few rough patches.
The first three sentences are a little confusing at first (the reader doesn't know if you're talking about three different schools or what).. perhaps you could start with a different opening?
"It was the school itself that was different, and attending the school is what in turn makes me different."
Try varying your word choice here.
"The truth is, I couldn't just accept that I would have no clubs or activities; it was in no way an option."
You should probably specify what "it" is. Ambiguous pronouns = :( haha.
I like how your essay "justifies" why your application may be different. Your school definitely sounds pretty unique!
Good luck!
How about:
1. Academy for Environmental Leadership: a New Visions high school; it is also my high school.
2. The school is what is different, and my attendance and experience there is what has made me different.
3. Personally, the option of accepting that I would have no clubs or activities to be a part of was nonexistent.
By the way, do you think it answers the prompt correctly?
And, thanks so much! I really needed the help.
benefit from and contribute to
I think this is a great narrative, and you obviously write very well, but it is important to answer their question plainly. You are challenged to tell them how you would benefit from and contribute to it. Don't just tell them the story and expect them to extrapolate. Answer the question in the first and/or last sentences of the first and last paragraphs. :-)
EF_Kevin,
Thanks sooo much for the feedback. I've been trying to gather every last detail while simultaneously staying within the designated word count. That's probably the biggest challenge.
But, I have another question. Do you think the tone is too casual? I had someone else read it and they thought it was. I wanted to be personal since it is a personal statement. But is it too informal?
Thanks again to both of you. Your feedback is really helping me get along. :)
I just looked at it again, and I think it would be better without the first paragraph. If it begins with that paragraph 2, it will realy be intriguing right from the start.
Know what I mean? It is not anything all that bad about the first part; it is that para #2 is so strong, I think it should be where the essay starts. This way, the opening para will end with:
Then I entered Academy for Environmental Leadership (AEL).
I think you're right. Actually, one of my teachers said the very same thing.
Thanks again! :)
