At 17 years of age I can still remember the young girl I used to be. She wore pig tails with big green bows and a huge smile where deep dimples protruded from her cheeks. She lives in a world where her whole day was planned from the time she awoke to the time she went to bed. She had no care in the world. As I think back on old memories of this little girl I see there are many trial and tribulations that have contributed to my development as a young woman today. Through the motivation to overcome my failures, to the encouragement and positivity I received from those around me, and finally the reality of responsibility has aided me in my journey to personal and academic success. As a child whenever anything became difficult for me, and I was on the verge of giving up, my mom would always say. "Peter Pan was always your idol." I did not understand why anyone would want to grow up. Having my mom by my side, feeling carefree, I was content. Although, around the seventh grade reality snuck up on me. Life was changing at a rapid pace, I was getting older and more was being expected of me. Nap time was definitely over. Now that I was being looked up too. I had to be a role model for my younger sister, to show her; just breezing by in school because the work is easy is not acceptable.
No longer could my mother pick me up and dust me off when I fell down, it was time for me to take accountability. I had a choice either I grew up mentally as I were physically, or to stay behind and watch as others progress and moved along. My inner voice was screaming at me, "You can do this!"Because staying behind was not an option. To show I was focused on improving my tactics, I transferred to a more rigorous school that focused on my most difficult subjects; Math and Science. In my sophomore year of high school my grades in geometry class were nothing but C minuses. But this factor motivated me more. For four months I went to coach class whenever I could. My teacher, Mr. Robinson saw my determination to understand the work so he gladly helped me every day. This required getting up painfully early going to coach class in the morning. Attending coach class during lunch periods and receiving help after school as well. I begun with the lowest grade in the entire geometry class although, by the end of the school year I passed the class with an A plus. Motivation pushed me through this tough time.
My environment held the biggest influence on me. Well known for her kindness, wisdom, and optimistic attitude, my mother is the perfect role model of a hard worker, and she expects nothing less from her daughters. "Hard work never goes without notice" she says. So I push myself to reach my goals with determination and persistence. She brings an aura of positivity around that holds confidence, self truth and Happiness, all qualities she has instilled in me.
Also in my school there I am surrounded by a family oriented staff. Students that are eager to learn as I am know without a doubt in their minds they are going to be successful in life if it is the last thing they do. When you have peers that encourage you to do better, you want to do better. Also, our teachers actually provided an incentive and enjoyable style of learning. When we were reading Lord of the flies, we acted out court trial to provide the different point of views on the novel. So it was easier to write a report knowing there were other points to be valued.
These just small examples have contributed greatly to my development into a young woman. I've learned to expect more of myself. Accepting my short falls and change them into ambitious projects. My priorities and morals have changed since I was younger. Welcoming independence and difficult puzzles Although the Importance of education will always remain first.
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Hi :)
First off, as I read the essay I definitely got the point of your essay. There were moments that your emotions spoke through your words and overall, it was a good essay. But on the technical side, it needs more fluidity and concrete paragraph/ideas. Some of the ideas seem all over the place. Perhaps you should take the first paragraph to focus on the memory of that girl, the second and third to focus on the factors that facilitated your mental development (role model, more responsibilities, trials---"trials and tribulations" seem cliche. I'd use one or the other), and the last one/two to tell us how you overcame (moving/excelling at a more challenging school). Try to arrange your essay in some type of order. It seemed loosely chronological. You can definitely stick with that order but solidify it.
Also, take time to explain what "coach class" is. Don't assume that the reader will always draw from context clues. Try to relate your points as if you're writing and not talking. It's really easy to get into the habit of writing the way we speak.
At 17 years of age I can still remember the young girl I used to be . Suggestion: "At 17, the memory of the girl I used to be is still fresh in my mind." (I like how you described her,giving the audience a mental picture.
No longer could my mother pick me up and dust me off when I fell down, it was time for me to take accountability. Suggestion: (Watch your order of words/diction) "I'd reached the age of accountability and it was now my responsibility to dust myself off when I fell down."
This paragraph carries importance because you've placed importance on it and as a reader I'd like to see that somewhere in the beginning. In can be incorporated with the first paragraphs in the context of "home-life/environment".
My environment held the biggest influence on me. Well known for her kindness, wisdom, and optimistic attitude, my mother is the perfect role model of a hard worker, and she expects nothing less from her daughters. "Hard work never goes without notice" she says. So I push myself to reach my goals with determination and persistence. She brings an aura of positivity around that holds confidence, self truth and Happiness, all qualities she has instilled in me.
Also in my school there I am surrounded by a family oriented staff.
There are a few sentences like this one (below) that are too wordy. It confuses the reader and not all readers might care enough to reread. Important thoughts might be overlooked.
"Students that are eager to learn as I am know without a doubt in their minds they are going to be successful in life if it is the last thing they do."
As eager as you might be to tell everyone about the things that made you into the young woman you are now, not ever experience needs to be spoken of. Try to be precise and intentional in your writing.
"When you have peers that encourage you to do better, you want to do better. Also, our teachers actually provided an incentive and enjoyable style of learning. When we were reading Lord of the flies, we acted out court trial to provide the different point of views on the novel. So it was easier to write a report knowing there were other points to be valued."
"These just small examples have contributed greatly to my development into a young woman." Suggestion: Sometimes you don't have to state the obvious. If deleting a sentence doesn't take away from your overall work, you can definitely try to see how it sounds without it. Also read your essay out loud. You might catch things that you wouldn't of otherwise.
I've learned to expect more of myself. Accepting my short falls and change them into ambitious projects. My priorities and morals have changed since I was younger. Welcoming independence and difficult puzzles Although the Importance of education will always remain first.
Your closing statement/paragraph should be strong and concluding. Take another look to see if yours is as strong as it could be.
Take a look at mine!!
