"The absence of choice is a circumstance that is very, very rare." GRE issue

136. "The absence of choice is a circumstance that is very, very rare."
Did I write in a too pessmistic way? How about the analysis?
Thank you soooo much!

Human beings, no matter how strong and unconquerable, yet must yield to destiny. Though people are offered free will to choose in most cases, there are times, however reluctantly people might to concede, when they can do nothing but ??//

Admittedly, social development has called for/urged more emphasis on guaranting freedom and well-being of people than any other time in history. Actually, the improvement in science and technology greatly promotes people's modern lives by bringing more choices and methods. From transportation, communication, to education and so on, today people are offered various choices so as to best satisfy their needs. Technology has use its power to gently take care of people in every detail it can. As demands in human rights and dignity increase, more laws and regulations have been carried out to ensure the freedom and well-being of people. The improved status of women and more protection to minority and the poor show social awareness of giving equal opportunities to everone and exterminating unfairness and discrimination. In this sense, circumstances when there is no choice seems rare, especially considering people are trying to decrease the embarrassments when facing dilemmas in lives.

However, no matter how strong people are in conquering the nature and in self-improving, they never are offered the choice of determine their own birth and death. It is true that people can not control the most important thing in life and the ultimate goal of science and technology is merely trying to get close while may never discover the myth of life. In a word, people are at disposition of destiny, which life may end at any moment, any place. Consider, the desperation in eyes of the cancer patients, who do not have choice but accept the bitter arrangement of destiny; a 22-year old graduate may never expected that her promising life would end at the next cross road; a happy family of 4 would never forese that they could not go back from their vocation to Indonesia when a tsunami washed everything away without a trace. Though people are not confronted with these life and death problems as frequent as those in daily lives, these are of crucial significance that determines the life span. Without life, everything is in vain. Consider about the destiny, people seldom have the choice to decide their lives, though people are naturally more likely to forget it and believe everything is within their control.

Moreover, being confined within a limited view and knowledge, people are, in deed, making compromise rather than truly follow their free will when facing the reality. It is undeniable that we actually know little about the future. With no effort spared, people are just trying to predict the future rather than seeing future. In this sense, though it seems that people can take various methords to reach their goals, fundamentally, they just compromise with the reality by taking the less risky path. Few people really know what kind of decision will exactly lead to their dreams; uncertainty and risk are always inevitable. So every choice is limited and imperfect when in retrospect, given people can never be well-informed about the future in advance.

In brief, though people are offered many good choices in solving daily affairs through the social and technological advancement, people never truly have the chance to determine their own destiny. Besides, what people are doing now is just compromising to the uncertainty of future; the perfect choice is never available. However, as the best gift endowed to human is hope, people should keep improving themselves and pursuing their dream despite of these limitations.

Ok, so i was confused which side you were on as i was reading your essay.

You start of with an "against" opening which is good. It shows that you are against the notion which is indeed a side well chosen.

Then in the next two paragraphs you give equal space and time to both sides of the topic.

Heres an idea...Why dont you go at it a little more agressively? Example: The choice to use internet by a student to get help on his homework is indeed smart.Its time saving, it helps give the student more scope about a particular subject. But at the same time his dependency on computers is increasing to a point where he looses interest in books and practical knowledge.Add in a couple of other negative aspects of internet like explicit materials, weaker eyesight, no social life due to networking sites,etc and voila you got a solid paragraph on one way how choice can turn sour on us.

And yes, discussing too much of death does indeed make this whole essay morbid to the point that by the time i finished reading this essay, i had serious issues about doing anything but to wait for deaths knock at my door. Discuss it in one paragraph and move on...There are a gazillion million points you can touch here...The choice to squander my youth on drugs, The choice to be shopaholic, the choice to not study...

Hope this helps.

Best of luck.

Human beings, no matter how strong and unconquerable, yet must nevertheless yield to destiny.
Your way was not wrong; this is just an idea I had.

Though people are offered free will to choose in most cases, there are times, however reluctant people might to concede, when they can do nothing but accept their situation.

making rather than following:
Moreover, being confined within a limited view and knowledge, people are indeed ma king compromises rather than truly following their free will when facing the reality.

I like your ideas. Complex ideas must be expressed as simply as possible, so that there is a chance the reader will understand the way you mean them. I think you should indeed try the agressive approach recommended by Waqas -- and the essay is not too pessimistic. I also think you should try to make the sentences shorter and simpler when you can. You have a beautiful, flowing kind of writing style, but it ca be complex, too.

You can direct the focus of this essay by adding a powerful, brief thesis statement right after this line: ...when they can do nothing but accept their situation. (add a thesis statement that sums up the whole theme of the essay.)

if you end that first para with a good thesis sentence, the reader will say, "Oh, I see what she is saying..."

:-)