The advent of TV cannot make live performance loss its value

the future of live music

It can be denied that the aid of streaming technology nowadays was more convenient for people who want to enjoy art in their home. Therefore, some people might think live performance became expired. Although I understand the logic behind this sentiment, I still believe that Spotify is a measly substitute for music enthusiasts.

On the one hand, streaming platforms such as Netflix or Hulu could be an affordable option for normal users. Firstly, instead of paying a thousand dollars for each ticket, we just need to spend a trifling fee to enjoy the repository of movie and musical shows. This approach is a wise solution because it not only helps users avoid the financial burden but they can also utilize their remained money to invest in other things. Secondly, crowded spots like music concerts are potential places appearing criminals. Shoplifting, assault, or even murder primarily emerge in these places due to people often do not alert.

On the other hand, I am convinced that dynamic atmosphere and electrifying could only be brought by live shows. The first is that there is no point in staying at home whereas we have an opportunity to shake a famous singer's hand whom we have admired for a long time and I guarantee that this experience is worth each penny. Moreover, if we decide to buy a concert ticket, we will have a chance to get acquainted with many people from other background cultures who may have the same hobbies and they can extend our horizons.

In conclusion, TV with streaming platforms are the best alternative for the masses while in terms of niched formats, I think it cannot be replaced.

The writer cannot expect his arguement to convince the reader of his thisis statement /opinion when he is not convinced that his opinion is true. Why is the idea delivered that of an unclear opinion? The first reasoning paragraph justifies the reasons why streaming services have rendered live performances obsolete. since he is convinced of these reasons validity he has removed the believability of any reasons he may provide for his own opinion. He has failed to deliver a clearly supported personal opinion as required by the major scoring element of the task because he suddenly decided to support both sides.. Only his stated opinion must be presented in this discussion to convince the reader. He could have retained the supporting opinion of the opposite side only if he were to show why that opinion was incorrect when compared to his.

The writer also has a problem using correct English words to form his sentences:


So the writer is are saying that streaming technology does not deliver entertainment value?


- But the writer implied that streaming does not aid in entertainment. Conflicting statements can lead to failed coherence and cohesiveness, as well as Grammar Range and Accuracy scores due to confusing thought references.

The presentation also takes place in real time so current active references should be used throughout.

You should use plural words such as live performances and their homes. Also, you need to use more transition words and phrases, which will help you get a higher score. GBU

You should include include the topic accurately so that the readers can know which type of essay is required. I do not know the topic is about " Argumentaty essay" or " Advantages or Disadvantages Essay" so I just can point out some errors in your essay.

- It can be denied that the aid
=> It can not be denied

or There is no doubt

- instead of paying a thousands of dollars for each ticket ( ticket for what, movie or liveshow)
- Secondly, crowded spots ... are potential places appearing criminals => you should use relative clause here.