IELTS Task 2 : Many TV advertisements nowadays cause effects on children

Nowadays, there are many television advertisements aimed at children. What are the effects of these advertisements on children? Should TV advertisements be controlled?

THE ADVERTISEMENTS EFFECT CHILDREN

It is no doubt that nowadays there are many television advertisements focused on their children clients. While these advertisements lead to many harmful effects on children, I believe some of the advertisements should be controlled.

There are many drawbacks of advertisements to children and influences them obviously. Firstly, most of the children spend amount of time to watch television which is their favorable leisure activity. At the same time, the advertisements pass invisible information and effects the sense of personal value to children. For example, many junk food companies put their product placements into the ads to attract children clients and cause unhealthy habits of diet to them. Secondly, the advertisements always play in the gap between different TV programs. When children are fascinated with those ads, they lose time for relaxing their eyes.

Therefore, I believe some harmful advertisements which included appropriate information should be controlled to avoid the growing clamour of parents who worried about children's education. If it is difficult to reduce all of the ads, we can transfer them into more educational which includes some useful knowledge, not the more commercial type. On the other hand, I don't think we should dominate all TV advertisements, especially those more creative types. Most of them are designed by professional graphic designer and they have great interaction between children and ads. They can stimulate children's imagination and improve their aesthetics. Keeping these type of advertisements also remains the diversity in our TV programs.

In conclusion, TV advertisements have numerous negative effects on children and we should choose some suitable types for them to reduce harmful affect and keep the diverse TV programs simultaneously.

Please feel free to comment my writing and give me a score.
Thank you.

Hi Ester,

I have noticed that there're some grammatical mistakes in your essay. For instance, Firstly, most of the childrenspend amount of time to watch television, it should be ... watching instead of to watch. Therefore, I believe some harmful advertisements which included appropriate information- tense of verb

And I think you should provide clearer thesis statement, it's quite general.
Plus, in the second paragraph, your ideas weren't clear at all.
Lastly, contraction and personal pronouns should be avoided in formal writing, so don't use [b]don't[b/], or we...

Maybe it's around 5 or 5.5

Best regards, ^^

Lo, your official score for this essay will be only a 5 because of the inconsistencies of your task achievement. Your sentences are not very clear because you do not fully explain your ideas in the paragraphs. It is almost as if you just think of something that applies, you stick it into the paragraph, then move on. You are focusing more on your vocabulary presentation instead of clarity in your presentation. The only way for you to score properly in this type of test is if you manage to take one idea, present it at the start of the paragraph, then develop a clear explanation, without adding new information, within the paragraph. You can present a related example if you want, but you have to make sure that you use only simple sentences for now to make sure that the stress on the reader will be reduced because you are a long way from becoming fluent in the written English language. I am going to refrain from making any more comments on your essay based upon the other scoring criteria. For now, I want you to focus on how you discuss your paragraphs first. Even if it is not in perfect English, you can still manage to create simple discussions. Do not try to discuss more than one reason per essay because that is what is preventing you from properly discussing the essay.

Hello,
Here are some corrections,

them to reduce the harmful effect
clamor
spend the amount of time to watch television, which is their favorite leisure

And I think you can separate paragraphs better, you can start each paragraph with ...
From one hand, ...., on the other hand
From one side, ...., on another side
Firstly, ..., Secondly, ..., Lastly