Be harsh!!!!!!!
Okay, if you insist. I've been as harsh as all those exclamations marks seem to imply I should be. That means, of course, that I expect you to be in tears after you finish reading this, so you might want to make sure you have some tissues handy. Here goes:
Your first paragraph contains only generalities, and should be cut.
Your second paragraph begins with more generalities: "The ad which I would be talking about today is found in the Vancouver Sun, among many other reading materials. It is trying to attract people to buy their phones, services, and/or their deals. This ad is about great promotion(s) which are being offered." As opposed to all those ads that aren't trying to attract customers, or that are all about their crappy cons? Cut most of this. In fact, the only two words you need to keep are "Vancouver Sun."
"This ad is effective because the first thing that you'll see is the three bolded and capitalized words "Great, Great, Great!" Just that very sentence would attract your attention and make you want to read on. And then you'll see the words "Great phones, Great Services, Great deals!" These words would really attract your attention and make you want to buy it." This is wrong. An effective ad would cause the reader to remember the brand name of the product. This ad apparently did not do this, since you have not bothered to even mention what company/brand the ad was for.
"In fact, the only details you'll get are at the bottom of the page, with a font size almost too small for the naked eye. Most of us would ignore it at the first glance." Certainly you seem to have ignored it. Otherwise, you would tell us what it said, and maybe even do some research, and compare the deal offered to other deals on the market, so that you could decide if the deal really was "great."
"In the headings, six of the nine words are "great." Thus, even if we might not remember the exact details of the ad, we would definitely remember that it was "great"!" Apparently you have decided to mimic the technique. Oddly, though, seeing the word "great" repeated so many times in your essay, to make the very, very obvious point that the company described its product as great because it wanted viewers to have a positive reaction to its products, does not incline me to view your essay as great. Quite the opposite in fact.
"This ad puts a lot of emphasis on our assumptions. With some well chosen words, we would start to assume things that were left unsaid. And in many cases, what we assume is not 100% true." If you had some specific examples, this could be an interesting point. But, you don't have specific examples, so it isn't.
"A fallacy used in this ad is called Gilding the Truth. Sometimes, ads use sweetened words to conceal the ugly reality behind it. The persuasive techniques used would include Bandwagon, Don't get left out, Great savings and easy to own. After all, They are trying to get us to buy their products to boost our self esteem." Why are telling me this? It doesn't really connect to anything you have previously written.
Use transitions so that your paragraphs seem less like random collections of thoughts.
"The visual images are important to the ad as well. The colour red is used for the background of the ad. Perhaps that is because red usually symbolizes passion, and they wanted us to feel passionate, passionate enough to feel like buying the product right after reading the ad." I thought the ad consisted entirely of the words "Great" with some small print at the bottom? There are colors, and images? Why didn't you mention this in your introduction?
"Two Blackberry cell phones played an important role in creating a subconscious message." Aha! There were images. And now, for the first time in the essay, I know exactly what the ad was for. I thought it was going to remain a permanent mystery. ""Cellcom". This reinforces the idea that Cellcom is Canada's largest exclusive Rogers Authorized Dealer, even without looking at the text beneath." And a brand name! Hallelujah and praise the Lord! It's a miracle!
"Great, Great, Great! That is the message Rogers is trying to send to us. Yet every piece of evidence is practically screaming to us that it is not necessarily so. Perhaps the next time you look at an ad, you should think carefully before rushing off to buy the product. It might not be as great as it seems." Actually, this is a pretty good conclusion. I can't think of anything really caustic to say about it.
Rating: 0 out of 10
Okay, not really. But you asked me to be harsh, and I can't think of anything harsher than giving you a 0.
Actual Rating: 3 out of 10. You did find an ad and write about it, and seem to have legitimately thought about it. However, you do not start with a comprehensive description of the ad, which makes it difficult to visualize. Also, as a result, your introduction cannot act as a roadmap for the reader, as we do not know what elements exist in the ad, or in what order you plan to discuss them, or why you have chosen that order. This problem is compounded by your absolute avoidance of transitions between paragraphs, which create a sense that you are too lazy to organize your thoughts in a meaningful way. When you do make good points, you do not expand on them with additional analysis or demonstrate them with specific examples, which leaves many of your paragraphs feeling unfinished.
Good luck with your second draft. Feel free to post it here. I will be much kinder to it, unless you once again prove masochist enough to invite me to be harsh.
