Agree or not: Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child's success at school.

Task:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child's success at school.
Write an essay of about 250 words to express your point of view on this topic.

My essay:
"Oh no, our child is not the one he was anymore! It was all because of those bad friends! We hold no influences over them any more!", some parents probably, being overly dramatic at their child's performance at school. The truth is, the parents role is just as crucial as the child's classmates.

Classmates, as known as people learning in the same class in a school, belong to the child's second social circle. During at least everyday's 8 most awaked hours, classmates learn, play, sleep, talk with others, helping each other through hard times and good times, affecting how healthy the learning environment is significantly. Moreover, because humans are social animals, many children would change the way they speak, act, think in order to fit in a group and have a sense of belonging. For students, the school is a miniature society where classmates is the majority. Our success depends heavily on how well we win the majority's hearts.

However critical is the role of the classmates, it doesn't mean the parent's influences on the students' performances is any smaller. There are 3 reasons support this claim. First, no matter how much fun the children had outside, they still come home at the end of the day. Parents' unconditional love and care is their greatest shield and moral sword to conquer the dragon of knowledge. Second, the influences of the man and woman who have spent time with them for years and taught them the first lessons cannot disappear over the night. It lurks deep in our unconscious and subconscious mind, affecting all our choices in life, including our hobbies, world views and why we choose those friends. Lastly, parents still hold the greatest authority over the child, legally and culturally. This authority can be used to guide the child on the right path to success at school.

In conclusion, parents and classmates play critical role on how well students do at school. Lacking one factor and our chance to success will decrease dramatically.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry, I kinda give up in the conclusion part. Thank you for your feed backs.

Your approach to writing this essay is not in an appropriate task 2 format. I therefore, have to ask, are you writing this for the IELTS task 2 test or for a totally different, perhaps national English test in you country? I wish you had clarified that for me. Just so I could apply the relevant review to your written work. Well, I'll do my best based on what you have written here. I hope my advice can help.

The first paragraph is normally a formal representation of the original using your own words. It normally avoids a creative writing presentation using dialogue as that is not considered an academic writing approach. These essays do not require " hooks" in the manner you have done. It is understood that the paragraph is used to represent your formal understanding of the topic and reason through your originally worded explanation and opinion. I do not believe your opening approach is correct. At least, not based on formal, academic English writing.

Due to your justification paragraph supporting the importance of the influence of classmates, you have contradicted your opinion indicating the sole importance of the parental influence. This confuses the total presentation, proving that you failed to understand the single opinion discussion instruction and, that you do not a really have a supported opinion. If this were a task 2 essay, you would have already gotten a failed TA score.

The conclusion is only one of the many ewars in this essay. There are serious GRA concerns throughout each paragraph. From singular V. plural, sentence formation, and punctuation errors, we have our work cut-out for us. Do not worry though. I am willing to work with you. That is, if you want to work with me. We can start by you telling me what English test you are preparing for in your next post.