IELTS: Along with men, should the army recruit women?

SEX EQUALITY IN MILITARY'S RECRUITMENT

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy, and the air-force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that the army should be made available for women to sign up. I completely side with this notion because women's capability, quality, and desire to protect their home are now on par with men's.

These days, strength and stamina of the weaker sex have significantly improved. Not only do women become strong enough to handle heavier jobs in regular life, but they are also capable of carrying out extreme exercises in the army without issues. For example, female athletes were able to finish the 40-mile marathon, annually held in Austria, during cold weather while some men failed in the competition. This type of heavy training is also used for special forces and apparently, women have proved that they are physically qualified for serving in the army.

Another remarkable trait that makes women competitive candidates for armed forces is their absolute discipline. While male soldiers have a tendency to only follow orders to avoid harsh punishments, women usually have the highest level of attention in training and stimulated campaigns even without rules. This quality of female will come in handy on battlefields where sticking to captains' orders decides life and death.

Moreover, the will to defend homeland of women is as strong as men. Unlike the past when female's biggest concern was the safety of their children, modern women have broadened their mindset to defend their country. In Somalia, a small land in Africa, female civilians successfully arisen against the rebellions to protect the rightful government from collapse in 2005. The country later acknowledged the great patriotism of women and dedicated a separate institution to train female soldiers.

In conclusion, I believe that the army should not be restricted only to men. Instead, modern women's qualifications already make them a valued asset to any military forces.

I suggest revising your first paragraph. You can input additional details that can enhance your writing. For instance, try answering fundamental background questions about the topic. Why were women not allowed before to join the army? Why were both genders treated differently when it comes to their physical capacities? What were the traditional perceptions towards both genders that have shaped this idea? This can improve the substance of the essay.

Regarding your second paragraph, you can delve into why women previously had weaker staminas. If you claim that the gender has now "significantly improved" in the field, then discuss the potential causes of this. What changed in the world that made women have more physical empowerment?

Afterwards, you mentioned how women have a higher level of attention in comparison to men. It would contribute to your essay if you could explore this biological difference. If you cannot, avoid making bold claims as it can affect the overall quality of the essay.

Lastly, I suggest revising your last paragraph. Have more substance in this section as you wrap up your essay. What is your personal take on this? How valuable are women to the army?

As I always say, the specific you are about details in your essay, the better.

Hi Maria
Thank you for your advice on how I could improve my writing. I'm trying to limit my timing within 40 minutes to stimulate real test. As much as I want to put more details into supporting paragraphs, I'm afraid that it's nearly impossible to fully elaborate within the time frame.

Also, could you please kindly assess whether my essay above fits the band 7 in IELTS marking criteria?

Here's the link to the official band descriptors: (I can't post image directly)
imgur.com/e98T4Hq

Again, much appreciated your corrections. Yes, but for a new review this thread must be made Urgent.