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Should women have the right to join the army? Their motherhood role may be affected. IELTS question

Rumi2020 2 / 2 1  
Mar 4, 2018   #1
In some countries people think women should have equality with men, in particular equal rights to work as police officers or serve in the Army. Others think women are not suitable for such jobs.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Women in the military

The dispute over gender equality has not be settled yet. It is argued by some that women should have the same right as men in order to work as military or police officers. However, others believe women are not fit for these jobs. As far as I am concerned, I advocate the latter viewpoint.

With regard to equality, some people, especially those in western societies, deem it unacceptable and unfair to limit individual's career options in the name of gender. They believe if women are not allowed to hold jobs in police and military services, their career opportunities will become limited, which is against the values of modern societies, based on which everyone should has the same chance of success. From social aspect, there would also be some negative impacts as result of the limitation. In fact, it negatively affects young female's mentality when they think about their career options. In other words, the restriction in their career choices adversely affects their mindset as they might assume they would face other form of discrimination elsewhere. Consequently, they may not put as much as effort into climbing career ladders even in other professions.

On the other hand, there are more compelling reasons why women are not considered suitable for these formidable tasks. Firstly, it is scientifically proven that women's physiology is not fit for the physically demanding duties of police or military officers. For example, in combat ground, officers are expected to run fast, fight with criminals in which men are more well-suited. In addition, because women shoulder the very crucial responsibility of motherhood, working as a militant or police officer make it hard for them to strike a balance between their duties and parenthood. To explain it, there would be some occasions on which they are required to be away from their homes and their children for months in order to carry out missions. Consequently, as women are emotionally attached to their children, not only does it undermine the effectiveness of their missions, but also would lead to poor upbringing practices.

In conclusion, although it will be more civilized if women are allowed to work in these fields, I believe women should not take these jobs as it negatively affects the very important role of motherhood.
DoctorWho - / 46 29  
Mar 4, 2018   #2
Hey Jawad.

You certainly have some interesting ideas for the essay.
The errors that I find are mainly grammatical. Sort that out and you have in your hands a good essay.
Keep reading more books and other written material. That will help you with sentence construction and appropriate grammar use.

I'll correct Para 1 for you -
... equality has not be settled yet yet been settled OR been settled yet.
... have the same rights as men ...

Para 2 -
... to limit an individual's career
... They believe that if women (...) everyone should has have ...
... affects young female's girl/ woman's mentality when ...

Some sentences are too long as well. You could always split them up. No need to keep adding commas and prolonging it.

Just keep practicing.

Good Luck! :)

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