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GRE Analytical writing; Letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner



shadman19922 21 / 74  
Jun 9, 2013   #1
Hi,
I wrote my first response to an "Analyze the Argument" question. Feel free to evaluate

Question:
The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.

"Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

Response:
The author of the passage argues that the increasing number of skateboards of central plaza has led to a detrimental effect on
the number of customers shopping on central plaza. Although the author puts forward a possible reason for the
decreasing number of shoppers in central plaza, the reason put forward is supported by a number of assumptions which
have not been substantiated with proper evidence.

The author assumes that the increase in skateboarding in central plaza led to the decrease in business in central
plaza. But there may be other reasons why the number of shoppers have decreased. For example, the presence of new plazas.
The construction of new shopping malls and plazas in the area is bound to attract customers away from central plaza
because the location of new plazas may be more convenient for some people. Another reason can be attributed to the
price of commodities available in central plaza. Taxes may have gone up, or incomes may have decreased, which in turn
may have discouraged people from going shopping so often, and thus businesses may suffer.

Another assumption that the author of the passage makes is that it is the skateboarders who have been littering in
Central Plaza. The littering and vandalism can be attributed to other factors. For example, a lack of hygiene has
attracted more vermin or stray animals. Stray animals can overturn dust bins and trashcans and carry about thrown
away food which may lead to increased littering. At the same time, Vermin such a wood mites may bury into wooden objects
and mice may eat away cloth, thus leading to increased vandalism and littering.

Therefore, the author has based his demand on assumptions that the increased presence of skateboarders is at the
root of the problems he/she states. And unless the author can clearly prove that the Skateboarders themselves perform
actions that discourage the presence of customers, or that the increased vandalism and littering are traced back to
them, there is no ground which would justify the ban of skateboarding in central plaza.

jkjeremy - / 380  
Jun 9, 2013   #2
This isn't a lower-half response, but I'm afraid that (as is the case with most test takers) you haven't really addressed the question. Failure to do so will prevent you from earning a top score.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result

Also, the paper is a bit repetitive. It is imperative that you say something new in every sentence. In part, this is a grammar problem. Check this out:

For example, a lack of hygiene has attracted more vermin or stray animals. Stray animals can overturn dust bins and trashcans and carry about thrown away food which may lead to increased littering.

Why not just do this...

For example, a lack of hygiene has attracted more vermin or stray animals, which can overturn dust bins and trashcans and carry about thrown away food which may lead to increased littering.

(I'm not crazy about the word "hygiene" in that sentence either, but that's not the most pressing problem right now.


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