Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 7


Animal and music lover - NCSSM Essay #1



fishbish4 1 / 3  
Jan 11, 2010   #1
Hey guys! :) Ok so I think I have the body of my paper, I just need help with a good hook, intro, and conclusion paragraph. Any critique is very welcome! If you could help I'd really appreciate it! :)

The topic is: Describe your personality and what makes it unique.

Here's my paper so far:

Personality is what makes each person a special, irreplaceable individual. It makes everyone different from everyone else, and precious in Gods' eye. My personality is unique in many ways. Ambitious, musical, and sensitive are just a few words that describe me.

Ambitious is a good word that describes me because I set my goals high and don't quit until I reach them. When I was a freshman in high school, my goal was to make the school varsity soccer team. I knew that this would be hard, so I did my best at all the practices and trained hard. All my hard work paid off. I made varsity as a freshman. I have three main goals right now. My first goal is to get into the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics. My second goal is go to the Virginia Military Institute to earn my four-year degree. My third goal is to then get into the North Carolina State University Veterinary Medicine program. I know that I can accomplish my goals and I will not quit until I do.

I love music and musical is a great word to describe me. I have been playing piano since I was in first grade and I am my teacher's top student. I love singing, and my name means 'like a beautiful melody' in Italian. I am in Concert Choir at my high school and I love the new show Glee. I love country music because the songs tell stories and make me feel the emotions the person in the song is feeling. The songs portray the emotions in a way that other genre's just cannot do. I also really like Christian music, modern Christian music. I like this kind of music because the songs inspire me and express my faith in a way I can easily understand and relate to. I constantly have one of these two genres of music playing, and I sleep with my stereo on.

Most people would probably not describe me as sensitive, but my close friends and family know that I am. I am very sensitive when it comes to animals. When my class and I watched Old Yeller in third grade, I could not watch the part where Old Yeller has to be put down because I would start crying. It breaks my heart when I see the most recent ASPCA animal abuse advertisement, and I end up bawling every time I watch it. Albert Einstein said, "Our task must be to free ourselves... by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty." This quote represents me because I am a kind, nurturing, and sensitive individual. Animals tend to take to well. I think this is because they sense my altruistic spirit and they know I care and stand for them.

I was thinking about using a quote for a hook... The best quote I could find is: "I am what is mine. Personality is the original personal property." ~Norman O. Brown

Please help me! :)

salbazili 4 / 9  
Jan 12, 2010   #2
Hi,
One thing I noticed is that your not really answering the question.. The question asks you to talk about your personality and what makes it unique.

I don't think that loving animals or wanting to become a vet is unique.. I think you should talk a little more about your personality, like why you do love to read books, for example, you would love reading because you only have one life, but through reading you feel you experience other's lives as well.

Try your best to make the essay look as it's not a list of hobbies, instead, you can tell how those hobbies shaped your life.. for example, you could talk about how your passion for reading made you want to be a vet, or how it made you love music so much.

I hope you get what I mean...

GOOD LUCK!
OP fishbish4 1 / 3  
Jan 12, 2010   #3
Hey. Thanks for the advice! I kinda thought so to, so I completely agree with you! I will try to make it better! Thanks a ton!
Chrome 2 / 9  
Jan 12, 2010   #4
Hey...Yes I agree, you havent answered the question yet. You sound like a nice person though.Yay for the animal lovers!

Why not find a quote that represents your animal love, like

"Those who wish to pet and baby wild animals "love" them. But those who respect their natures and wish to let them live normal lives, love them more. " ~Edwin Way Teale, Circle of the Seasons, 1953

or

Our task must be to free ourselves... by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty.-Albert Einstein

This quote....It represents me as I am kind and nurturing individual ... I believe in equality... This makes me kind as the quote states because ... Whats really peculiar is the awareness of Animals towards my altruistic spirit. One may think this is bizarre, but i know the Animals sense it. It is not a presumption but a fact. They know I stand for them. I could be their saving grace."

Make your point and explain it... Also, you can add more to it. You can show how different you are by comparing and criticising...

E.g
Majority of teenagers enjoy the music genre of R&b. However i find it inappropriate and ...Real music has been long forgotten, but I am determined to not be a sheep in the crowd...I listen to country. I am personally proud of Carrie Underwood and Taylor swift. They are aspirational characters like me, and i hope to reach my goals like them."
OP fishbish4 1 / 3  
Jan 12, 2010   #5
THANK YOU!!! :D
Your suggestions and examples really helped!!
I have started over on my paper and I think I can really use your quote from Albert Einstein and your thoughts with animals!! Thank you a lot!

I will post my new and improved paper when I complete it either tonight or tomorrow afternoon.
Chrome 2 / 9  
Jan 13, 2010   #6
Good. Could still improve though. Errr. Why dont your try linking you paragraphs like

Firstly, ambitious...

Likewise, faithful...

However, most people...

Conclusively,

And i also think 'faithful' isnt the best word to describe you in the 2nd paragraph, it sounds more like youre fearless.
I think you should explain those goals in 1st paragraph.Why have you got such goals?How is having those different from any typical person? And how did you feel when you made varsity team? Were you proud?

I know this an essay about yourself, but its still a bit i did this i did that. Maybe in the 4th paragraph you should be informative about an animal, maybe your favourite,or one youve met and explain why you like it. Or even a special close family member or friend and how they make part of you.Like how if they didnt exist, youd be a different person.

For your conclusion talk about the question again, maybe refer to God as youre a believer.
Maybe say "Conclusively, I am unqiue individual with a agreeable personality, but thats is not whats really important in life. Whats important is how I as an individual affect the people around me. How I play my part in the human population on Earth is whats really important. Once in the afterlife, in heaven how inique my personality is will not matter, what will matter is how i contributed in the world...
salbazili 4 / 9  
Jan 14, 2010   #7
Hey again,
here are some things I would do if it were my essay:
(Ambitious is a good word that describes me because..) I would take that out and start it with (I set my goal.. you still can write something similar to that at the end of the paragraph though.. I would say something like "Ambitions make me enjoy my life"

(I love music and musical is a great word to describe me .) you can refer to you love for music by explaining that your playing piano since 1st garde is a reason behind it.

(I am very sensitive especially when it comes to animals)

I also agree with Alexa, still needs improving...It would look better if you make it look like a story..and you did a good job elaborating a little of that in your last paragraph..

GOOD LUCK:)


Home / Writing Feedback / Animal and music lover - NCSSM Essay #1
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳