Please help me imrpove my essay. Thanks so much
Topic: Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly by a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
luck factor in the goals achievement
It is argued that the attainment of goals is often determined by the factor of fortune. However, I believe that this is only true in few circumstances, and in other cases, people's success is mostly dependent on continued effort and determination.
On the one hand, it is sometimes undeniable that luck is the main factor in attaining a goal. In this case, success can be achieved easily without much effort and hard work, which often means that it does not last long and it also has little value in enabling one to reach his or her full potential. For instance, my cousin was the only child born in a wealthy business family which has strong business relationships with other giant corporations in Vietnam. As a result, he has effortlessly become a very successful entrepreneur from a very young age thanks to the great financial assistance and business networks from his parents. Unfortunately, his family and he lost all their property and money in the economic downturn last year, forcing him to work as a normal employee since he has not possessed any real skills or abilities to start all over again. Having grown too dependent on luck has left the former rich man with a mediocre life.
On the other hand, it is obvious that in most cases success are attributed to perseverance and great effort rather than the factor of luck. The simple reason is that on the way to achieving one's goals, people have to go through a great deal of obstacles. Therefore, without persistence and adequate attempts, one is more likely to lose heart and give up after facing just a few failures. Take Steve Job, a co-founder of Apple corporation, as an example. Although this great man had to deal with plenty of difficulties throughout his life, he managed to overcome them all with his dedication and constant effort to come up with the first smartphone which gained him a reputation as one of the most successful businessmen and inventors. Undoubtedly, his achievements have proved that success favors those who persist and work hard rather than those who depend on luck.
In conclusion, while it is true that the luck factor can greatly contribute to the achievement of goals, I believe that other factors are of more importance.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Lưỡng, this essay does not follow the prompt discussion indications. This is a single opinion "extent" essay. It is not a comparison point of view discussion. Based on your misunderstanding of the prompt instructions, you will only get a partial score for the TA section, which will result in a failing grade overall, even if the remaining 3 scoring considerations are given an average score. Unless the essay specifically indicates, "Discuss both points of view", the essays are always written in a single point of view format. This is an emotional extent essay whose response, as part of the thesis sentence should have been something along the lines of:
I strongly...
I partially...
I half heartedly...
The above descriptors are only some of the possible emotional extent responses you could have used. A complete listing of these emotional responses can be found using an online search. I urge you to get familiar with the terms you can use in your next extent essay.
I believe that you are still unfamiliar with the various writing styles meant for various IELTS opinion essay discussions. It would be in your best interest to first familiarize yourself with the writing styles and how to execute the instructions before you proceed with any more practice tests. There are countless IELTS Task 2 essays posted here at EF that you can learn from. Read them and learn from the advice given to those who took the test before you. That is the best way for you to learn how to respond to the essay questions at this point.
