Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Argument Essay; part of a letter to the editor of a scientific journal


arunpoppat 1 / 3  
Oct 29, 2014   #1
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

*****Note: Kindly rate on a scale of 1 to 6.

My response:

The author of this article tries to imply that birth order determines level of simulation.He presents 3 cases in order to prove the point:
i) Firstborn infant monkeys get more stimulated more than their younger counterparts .
ii) Humans also show the same tendency shown by the infant monkeys.
iii)First time pregnant monkey's have higher level of cortisol than those who had multiple pregnancies.
These explanations on closer scrutiny seem fallible and the reason for so is mentioned in the subsequent paragraphs.

The author tries to infer that the first born infant monkeys are having higher level of stimulation due to their birth order .This idea fails to take into account that the elder infant might have his/her senses more developed to perceive a situation and hence the higher levels of activity.As the first born spends more time with his parents he tends to recognize them and hence panics when a stranger is encountered whereas the siblings are yet coming into their own.

The second point by the author mentions similar observations in humans as well but this observation is not substantiated by any statistics or studies
moreover in humans it is totally possible that two offspring might show different stimulations to either parent for eg;one might argue that the infants would be more stimulated to see their mother than their father as his/her mother takes care of them or vice-versa.

The suggestion about first time maternity in monkeys seems to suggest that the stimulation maybe more due to the anxiety in the mother as she is having a completely new experience whereas old timers are habituated to it and hence this could account for their low level of cortisol release/stimulation.

The explanations provided by the author seem unsatisfactory as they need to be backed up by intensive test studies.The facts presented by author can have a totally different interpretation as shown in the points above, hence this argument is far from satisfactory.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 29, 2014   #2
ii) Humans also show the same tendency shown by the infant monkeys

- Arun, you need to make specific mention that first born humans and monkeys exhibit the same tendencies. You accidentally left that part out in this particular evidence.

These explanations on closer scrutiny seem fallible and the reason for so is mentioned in the subsequent paragraphs.

- This needs to be rephrased in order to become grammatically correct. Refer below:
- Upon closer scrutiny, these explanations seem fallible for a number of reasons which I will be discussing in this paper.

The author tries to infer that the first born infant monkeys are having higher level of stimulation due to their birth order .This idea fails to take into account that the elder infant might have his/her senses more developed to perceive a situation and hence the higher levels of activity.As the first born spends more time with his parents he tends to recognize them and hence panics when a stranger is encountered whereas the siblings are yet coming into their own.

- ...first born monkeys have a higher level of...perceive a situation which results in higher levels...
- The last part of this paragraph about the arrival of strangers needs more explanation coming from you. Making a reference to the importance of familiarity and the pack system of survival in the animal kingdom should help further enhance this paragraph.

The second point by the author mentions similar observations in humans as well but this observation is not substantiated by any statistics or studies
moreoverin humans it is totally possible that two offspring might show different stimulations to either parent for eg;one might argue that the infants would be more stimulated to see their mother than their father as his/her mother takes care of them or vice-versa.

- You have a number of sentence structure errors in this paragraph aside from grammatical errors that I will be correcting.
- ... in humans, but this observation...statistics or studies .Moreover,in humans, it would be possible for 2 offspring to show different stimulations for either parent.One might argue...

The suggestion about first time maternity in monkeys seems to suggest that the stimulation maybe more due to the anxiety in the mother as she is having a completely new experience whereas old timers are habituated to it and hence this could account for their low level of cortisol release/stimulation.

- Where did you get the information that led you to this possible assumption? When refuting evidence using information from another source, your academic credibility is enhanced by mentioning the source of your new information.

I would give your essay a rating of 6 due to the lack of supporting information on your part and the problems with the grammar and sentence structure of the essay. These are minor points that can easily be corrected for a better grade. However, you should learn to proofread your work, at least for spelling and sentence structure errors before you submit a paper for review or grading. That is the sign of a well developed and seriously considered essay on your part.


Home / Writing Feedback / Argument Essay; part of a letter to the editor of a scientific journal