IELTS: Art subject can be accepted as compulsory subject if it brings positive role for students

Some educationalists argue that non-exam, art-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, some pupils are not confident to express their feeling about something, include their argument. The way to build their confident is a must have curriculum about art in the second-grade school. I would agree with this statement to some extent because I believe that it help students achieve good ability in soft skill.

Definitely, the secondary-school's subjects have advantages for improving student's creativity such as arts subjects, with the aim of balancing the student's intellectual beside study about exam subjects. One of them is to teach students about teamwork, for example drama. This may help students to enhance their leadership skill for managing their team. So, they can do the best in their performance. Otherwise, they will finish this task in a long-term. It seems, can have negative influence on students because their exam subject is overlooked.

Some may argue with non-exam subjects are not as important as exam-subjects. They think students have to study about Maths, Physics, Economics and etc to get properly job after they graduate. Then, they assume that study about art seen only as fun and spend much money to buy some propts. In any case, exam-subjects can improve student's soft skill too. For instance, communicating skill, they can explain about what problem surround them. They also have to learn to produce some researches which give benefit to the society in the future.

In the end, art subject can be accepted as compulsory subject if it brings positive role for students and make their parents proud with the achievement. Alternatively, exam subject as an important subject should be given attention for students because without this subject academic performance will be imbalance.

use connectors such as 'however' or 'on the other hand'
so that your essay will be more coherent

Nowadays, some pupils are not confident to express their feeling about something (no comma)includeincluding their arguments .


....wrong grammar :(
You need to rephrase this sentence. I think Pahan has suggested you a good structure for the intro.

This sentence is too very long and disturbs the clarity of your ideas. Do not write long sentences. Keep your sentences shorter limiting one idea per sentence. Also, understand the main reason here and start your body para with the reason. This is what I understand as the reason here;

First, students need a well rounded education that includes both academic and non academic activities and knowledge to keep themselves less stressed. These Therefore art based subjects are very important that not only help them ease off their study pressures, but also nurture their creative talents.

Now give a specific example to back your reason :)