IELTS: bar chart - average retirement age among seven countries in 2004 and 2008

The two bar charts show a series of figures about average retirement ages of men and women among seven countries in 2004 and 2008.

There was an upward trend that the average retirement ages of people in all countries in 2008 were higher than the figures in 2008, except Italy. The highest average retirement age of men was in Sweden, rising from 63 in 2004 to 63.7 in 2008. In contrast, Italy had the lowest figures, at only 58 in both years. Netherland, Sweden and UK had longer average retirement ages of men, above 61, while these figures were below 61 in the other four countries.

Women had a similar trend of change in average retirement ages, compared with men. Six countries saw an increase of these figures within the four years, Italy experienced a fall to 56 in 2008, 1 year lower than that in 2004. Sweden till had largest average retirement ages of women, at 62 in 2004 and 63 in 2008.

Overall, it is obvious that women had shorter average retirement ages than men in all countries, where people retired later over the four years.

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Well, I think you need to follow a more appropriate structure for this task. This is what dumi and I generally suggest for this task;

Introduction - Introduce your graph briefly. (tell the type of graph and what it presents) Mention the time duration if there is any.
Overview - Describe the main trend/trends of the graph. Do not have any details like data or figures in this part. Try to give an overview of the entire graphical presentation

Detail Paras - Describe trends with more details.

Most students write an overview after introduction. The overview is written with two sentences.

This is what I suggest for your introduction;
The two bar charts present the details of average retirement age of men and women respectively in seven different countries from 2004 to 2008.


Before this detailed para, you need to write an Overview of what this graphical presentation is about. Write about the main trends you observe and you should do that very briefly without including any details such as data or other statistics.

be careful when you are using commas in your sentences, i observed so many comma mistakes in your report