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The benefit of a global university-- GRE topic, need help


Superkid 4 / 9  
Aug 18, 2009   #1
I am a cookie in analytical writing and have little english writing experience before. Please take a close look on this passge, tell me my weakness and give me some advice.

Thanks in advance.

Issue11: "All nations should help support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of solving the world's most persistent social problems."

As the technology develops, human beings are now able to enjoy a better life than any other time in the history. However, there are still some rigid social problems such as pollution and wars cannot be completely obviated. Someone suggests that we can establish a global university which aims to training students helpful to solve or dilute these problems. Given consideration to the effectiveness and the feasibility I contend this approach is questionable.

To start my discussion, a question should be answered in the first place: "What the basic causes of the most persistent problems". Having a scrutiny into those problems, I find that the huge gaps in economy between developed countries and developing ones and the inherent culture differences contribute much to the problems. Consider pollution first. As for the developed countries, although they claim that it is responsible for every society and business to prevent environment from gradually being destroyed, the production never stops because in their mind, what they pay most attention to is always the profit. Turn attention to the developing countries. In order to catch up with the developed ones, the governments of these communities invariably regard the economic development as the most substantial. They need speed up the production and make more profits for accumulating capital, with which they can sit aside the developed countries. Next consider the constant conflicts between Israel and Palestine. A few may argue that the cause of this conflict is the issue about national territory. Indeed, this is one of the points. However, few would deny that the distinct differences also play crucial roles. Since they have the different faith, values and even the ethics, misunderstanding and objection is inevitably which ultimately, brings the two group of folks to the road towards wars.

Now that we make clear the root of the problems, the key question should be contemplated; whether to develop a global university can help eliminate or dilute the causes. I take a negative position that it can do little to the goal. Indeed, a global university might attract the eminent students, professor and scholars from every part of this planet, which thus, leads to advantages about the academic communication and the science development, especially benefits those who are from poor countries and cannot receive such a good education before. Nevertheless, the progress in the academic fields cannot be seen equal to the advancement economically. After all, what the graduates can do is a tree to a forest. The development in economy depends on a nation's policy, the original capital storage, and the market circumstance around it. It is presumptuous to rely solely on the better education for solving the problems. Also, the conflict between the Israel and Palestine has a long history with a strong root in it. Given that it is possible that a little number of students from the two cultures can enroll the global university and have a better understanding to another culture. However, is such a small group able to break down the "Berlin Wall" built between the two communities--either of them comprises of millions of people. The only time one can claim that it will work is when the students become the political leader of the both communities, of which the possibility is minor.

It is not only less effective but also impractical to require all nations to participate in the global university plan. Standing along with the poor countries, it will be wise to invest money on the domestic urgent problems. How can people see their peers dying from the poverty with spending money on another unnecessary project? Even if such a university emerges, controversial will arise when it comes to determine the most urgent problem that needs to be solved. Different countries have different views, and they may all insist that the issues which influence themselves are more pressing and should be solved first. Therefore, such a university will cause new problems before it really solve one.

In a nut shell, although the intent of the speaker--solving the universal persistent problems should be supported, the plan of establishing a global university needs more deliberations. By implementing the project blindly, it would probably bring about a waste of wealth and time, and also disappointment to its advocators.

Kahollavan81 4 / 6  
Aug 18, 2009   #2
The essay is pretty convincing. In the fist paragraph an illustration of how an international body proved ineffective would strengthen it (e.g. UN). "After all, what the graduates can do is a tree to a forest." I dont know what this sentence is implying. "However, is such a small group able to break down the "Berlin Wall" built between the two communities--either of them comprises of millions of people." Is this a question? You need to better organize the structure so that it flows more smoothly. When presenting I use the format Idea>description>how so>example. I also spotted some word that do not make sense in the sentence they are in.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 18, 2009   #3
Much of the first part of your essay would work better as an argument in favor of the university, which is not meant to single-handedly solve the world's social problems, after all, but merely to provide a place where solutions can begin to be developed. There is no obvious reason why a global university wouldn't be a good place to start trying to develop a model of economic growth that allowed the developing world to catch up to the first world without ruining the environment, for instance, or to create programs that allowed potential enemies to begin to reconcile their differences.

The second half of your essay is a bit stronger. I especially like the argument that resources could be better spent directly addressing specific issues, and the contention that a global university would have trouble setting priorities. You could even point out that many existing universities admit international students, and so a global university wouldn't necessarily look that different from the ones that always exist, and that international bodies such as the U.N. that already try to bring people together to solve social problems tend to accomplish very little except to issue pronouncements and conduct studies that are largely ignored.
OP Superkid 4 / 9  
Aug 18, 2009   #4
Thank you so much for your advice "format idea>description>how so>example".
I am a Chinese student.Although I have learned some English in school, however it is pretty difficult for me to finish a complete and strong-convincing essay in only 45 minutes. But I try my best to do it. Hope that I could make it finally.
OP Superkid 4 / 9  
Aug 19, 2009   #5
Thank you so much for your advice "format idea>description>how so>example".
I am a Chinese student.Although I have learned some English in school, however it is pretty difficult for me to finish a complete and strong-convincing essay in only 45 minutes. But I try my best to do it. Hope that I could make it finally.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,987  
Aug 19, 2009   #6
To start my discussion, a question should be answered in the first place:

Having a scrutiny into those problems, I find that

If you are worried about having enough time to say what you want to say in this timed essay, you could omit such circuitous ways of introducing your points. Skip the ornate transitions and go right to the point.

although the intent of the speaker--solving the universal persistent problems should be supported

This comes up again and again in GRE essays, for some reason. Unless you have been told that you are responding to an excerpt or a quote, do not refer to "the speaker" or "the writer." There is no speaker or writer, just an idea to which you've been asked to respond.


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