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"I had a blood disorder" - help with Descriptive Personal Essay



haeddleman 2 / 2  
May 18, 2010   #1
Essay #1 (Online) - Descriptive Personal Essay
Write an essay that describes a significant moment or brief event in your life. The moment or event you choose should be significant because of what you learned from it. You should include enough details so that your audience knows what is going on, but do not get so carried away with details that your audience becomes confused or bored by an excess of information. Your essay should include reflection, or thoughtful consideration of what has happened to you. The reader should have a sense of what you took away from the experience.

"A new lease on life"
The most significant day of my life was the day I found out I had my blood disorder. From the moment the hematologist read my blood work results to me, my life has never been the same. It is always something that is on my mind and changes the way I live my life.

While waiting in the consult room at the hematologist's office, I sat in the most uncomfortable chair I had ever sat in. I was looking at all of his medical degrees on the wall and wondering what he was going to come in and say to me. My heart was racing a mile a minute, and I did not know what to expect. I had never been in a situation like this before.

When the doctor came in I jumped up like lightening shot through my body. He introduced himself as Dr. Eagle and reached his hand to shake mine. He was middle- aged with salt and pepper hair. He had a deep voice. Dr. Eagle, wearing blue scrubs and smelling of latex, looked as if he had just come from surgery. Dr. Eagle must have noticed that my hand was trembling and that my voice was shaking when I said hello.

He gestured his hand for me to sit back down in the uncomfortable chair, and he sat down next to me at the conference table. He placed a few files down and looked at me. He asked, "So what prompted your doctor to send you in and be tested for a clotting disorder?" I took a deep breath and sighed, wishing my doctor would have already sent all his notes. I did not want to go through the process of yet again telling my story. "Well", I said "my mother, grandmother and great-grandmother had deep vein thromboses, but they called it bad legs." He shook his head and took note of what I said on a piece of paper he had taken out of one of the file folders. He asked, "So, what about you personally? Have you had any clots?" I looked at him dead in the eye and said, "Yes, I have had three. What's wrong with me?" He leaned back in his chair, balanced his pen between his pointer and middle fingers and asked, "Have any of the women in your family been diagnosed with a blood disorder?" I looked at him, shook my head, and answered no.

Finally, he opened the file labeled with my name written in red ink. He then pulled out the results of my blood work I had done a few weeks prior. Dr. Eagle said "Holli, you have an inherited disorder called Factor V Leiden." He said it like this was something that he said every day. Then without taking a breath, he said having Factor V meant I have an increased tendency for my blood to clot. This can lead to sometimes serious and /or life-threatening complications depending on the condition of the clot. I repeated the word inherited. Upset by the news I had just been given, I asked, "So is this what all the women in my family have suffered from?" Why didn't any of their Doctors ever realize this?" I rose from my chair and walked over to the window. Looking at the beautiful Carolina blue sky and the birds flying around, anxiously I asked, "Does this mean I'm going to die from a clot like my great-Grandmother or have horrible ulcers on my legs like my grandmother?" At this point I started to cry. I kept looking out the window in order to avoid looking at Dr. Eagle. In that crushing moment I felt I had been handed a death sentence.

Next thing I knew he was standing at the window with me, and Dr. Eagle reassured me "No, Holli! You are not, and do you want to know why?" I choked back tears and said, "Why?" He said, "It's simple. You are diagnosed. Your family members weren't." I turned back around to face him. I asked, "Ok, tell me what this means." He started by saying that the first thing that we are going to do is put me on a baby aspirin regiment. This would keep my blood from clotting. Dr. Eagle then said the most profound words I think I have ever heard, "Knowing is half the battle," and now I knew.

Walking out of the hospital annex that day, I felt like even though I had just gotten some really bad news, I was alive, and I knew I was strong enough to fight! I decided as I was walking up the hill to my Jeep, with the sun baking my face, I was going to educate myself. I realized with Dr. Eagle's help, that knowing as much as possible about this disease would prevent it from getting the best of me!

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
May 19, 2010   #2
... I was told by my Ob obstetrician that I was...

I think you made great progress! That moment is references in the intro, and then you give it a large paragraph right in the middle of the essay. I think this will be a success! As you continue to revise and improve, take out unnecessary details. For example, "sitting by the pool at the condo" is not about the moment. The moment happens in the Dr.'s office. Take out details that tax the reader's attention and detract from the experience of that significant moment.

I'm glad it turned out to be less scary than you thought!! It must have still caused you a lot of fright and difficulty, though!! Anyway, that is where wisdom comes from.
OP haeddleman 2 / 2  
May 19, 2010   #3
Thank you Kevin! This is such a wonderful site and I appreciate the help I have received so far! Thank you, thank you, thank you :)


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