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"A Walk". Creative writing personal essay on a storm (descriptive) i need help making it longer


McMetal 1 / -  
Sep 24, 2015   #1
A Walk

We descended into the darkness like a stone in the ocean. Water grabbed at our ankles. Geography was not on our side. We looked up the hill towards a light post, the only light we could see. My older brother and I worked our way up the hill, fighting the water's current with every step. The thunder accented every measure of our hearts percussion, redemption was upon us.

It all started with a power outage. The lights in our house shut off, so my brother and I decided to go for a walk. The clouds muffled all color. Distant echoes of thunder chimed into our conversations. It was probably not an ideal time to be outside.

Aimlessly walking we found ourselves lost in a large open field. Tornado sirens filled the pensive landscape. Cars rushed home on a nearby street. My brother was not a compass, but since I was a boy scout, he thought I was. I was not. The unfamiliar neighborhood that trapped us did not warrant any directions home. So we sat on a curb and waited for inspiration.

It happened slowly, then all at once. The storm arrived throwing punches. There was no shelter. Every drop of rain hit like a horse's hoof against our skin. All light was gone, as if the world itself had a power outage.

Our walk became a fight to live. Every step was a necessary risk. Every step was blind. We scrambled for hope. We saw a single light at the top of a hill.We moved towards it. The water poured down, encumbering our progress, but we persevered. We survived.

At the top of the hill, the rapture was upon us. The grey rain curtain peeled back and golden sun rays were all that were left. Behind us the storm continued to stir and hunt, but in front of us was home. On top of the hill we were able to find our bearings. So we set off home bound with a story to tell.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 24, 2015   #2
Logan, your descriptive story has the potential to be a very good creative one. I noticed though that you tended to show the actions more than relate it. In order to lengthen your essay you need to have some sort of character development for the brothers. Give them names and dialogue that will help the story along. Don't just describe and tell the reader about everything that transpired. Paint the picture then tell us what happens through actions and words.

At the moment your characters are one dimensional and there is no sense of danger in the story. The conflict (getting lost) was not really given enough attention and detail to make the reader believe that the brothers were in any actual danger after the power outage. So you need to review your conflict and develop the idea to sound more menacing than it does at the moment.

You can start placing dialogue to lengthen the essay starting at the point where there was a power outage. Create a discussion between the boys that resulted in the walk in the dark.

Then, when the brothers are totally lost in the dark, create an ominous sense. Whistling wind, trees banging against a window, a car with only one headlight, these are all descriptions that, when properly utilized will lengthen the essay and also create a stronger sense of conflict in the story. Make the brothers talk about their fears based upon the ongoing scenario. Choose who between the two brothers will be the hero of the story and keep the other one calm and take charge in order to get them safely home.

I hope my suggestions help you out. I do not know what your maximum word count is but my suggestions should help lengthen the essay to a great extent. I look forward to reading the additional content of your story, should you still wish to have us comment on it :-)
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 25, 2015   #3
I would like to help you with your essay. I would like to give you three suggestions or approaches to help you to lengthen your essay.

1) You could lengthen your essay by adding another character. If you and your brother meet someone as you try to escape the storm, maybe you could be provided with temporary shelter. Ex: Before the last paragraph you state, "We survived". However, what if the light actually came from a house that could provide you shelter.

2) Another way to lengthen your essay, is to begin your story by stating how the day was before the storm. Have you ever been outside and suddenly the weather changed? You can have an introduction that begins with a nice day, and this can lead to the body of you essay where you describe how unpredictable the weather can be.

3) In the end, you are headed home. However, you could still build the reader's anticipation. Is it possible that you haven't reached your climax? Is the storm really over? Maybe you didn't check the weather that day and you realize there are impending scattered showers and storms. However, this time you are fully prepared for what comes next.

I hope this helps you!


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