IELTS: Break before collage is good for students!

please check my essay and give what you think of it. and if any one can tell me what bands its worth for it will be very nice

Break before collage

Is it good for student to have a break before continuing further education after high school? Well, there have been many argument apropos to the previous question, and all of them have strong points. I personally believe that student must have a break to rest and take some breathe before getting back in the education battle.

Some people say that a student had spent a lot of time in school, and it is better to have real life experience. Working can allow them to have a better understanding to the market needs, and that can allow them to plan for further education accordingly. Furthermore, having a little experience in the field that the student is planning to have higher education in, can make the course pass easily. We cannot neglect the fact that when student will have a break after high school, either by working or traveling, then they will feel ready for getting back to study, and will look to that break as a refreshment stage in their lives.

On the other hand there are a group of people who strongly support the idea of not having any kind of "refreshment break" for student. In their opinion, when someone stops study and get to work and starts collecting money, it will be really hard for him to get back to school chairs. Well, that really happened to me personally, but I think that is attributed to my laziness, and not everyone like me.

In conclusion, I can confidently say that having a break before moving further in your undergraduate education is good, but only when it is not so long.

This line needs improvement in presentation. Also there aren't many arguments, but just two; Some say it's good while others say it's bad. ... Make sure that you keep a good alignment with your topic throughout the essay


... this latter part does not come right;
... before walking into the next phase of strenuous student life.
It seems that you can write very well... but you need to pay more attention to your essay structure.... Especially, provide specific examples for your reasons!

thank very much... but are these the only comments on the entire essay??
it seems few!!
i cant believe that i dont have other mistaks
:D

Hello I try to help you find your mistake and improve your essay. First, your essay not to follow on right essay structure. It is very short and brief. You need to support your idea more by example and more explanation. ( I personally believe that student must have a break) in this sentence , it is better you say should instead of must . Because must expresses a strong obligation. (There have been many argument apropos to the previous question) many arguments not many argument. (There have been many argument apropos to the previous question) a right sentence is :a propose of the previous question. (Before getting back in the education battle) this sentence is unclear. It is better you write: before prepare him\her self for education battle. (Some people say that) the word of say is not suitable word for essay. it is better you write: they believe . (Can make the course pass easily) this sentence is unclear instead of it you can write: can make that he\she pass easily every course in the college. (look to that break as a refreshment stage in their lives) you have to write : that break will look to be as a refreshment stage in their life.(I can confidently say )in essay you can say your opinion with personally no confidently it is better you say: i personally believe or in my opinion . in other hand , the conclusion is the result of your essay not only your idea,

this was very nice thank you very much