Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Burnaby Public Library is portrayed in the line graph


amrillahmk 29 / 47 6  
Nov 1, 2016   #1
The number of books read by men and women over 3-year period in Burnaby Public Library is portrayed in the line graph. Overall, it is noticeable that both men and women saw an increase in the end of the period although pattern for women experienced a short fall in the last year. Moreover, it is also clear that the line for men rose significantly if it was compared with women.

At first glance, the sum of books read by women stood at around 5,000, higher than men. Subsequently, there was a gradual rise, which reached 8000 in 2012 and 10,000 in 2013. However, over the last one year, the books read by women dropped back as same as in 2012, hit 8000 in the end of timeframe shown.

On the other hand. The number of books read by men stood at roughly 3,000 books in 2011, lower than women. Over the following one year, there was a steady growth, which peaked 4000 books. Then, in the next two years, the level for men overtook women in 2013 and rose dramatically to approximately 150,000 by the end of the period.




Anna94 47 / 56 3  
Nov 1, 2016   #2
HELLO, here my suggestions for you

..., which peaked [at ] 4000 books. Then,in the next two years , the level (...) women in 2013 and rose dramatically to ... [you mention the year two times. It is repetition ]

Actually, your essay is good. Just keep practising

GLUCK:D
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Nov 1, 2016   #3
Hi Amril,

My feedback towards this essay would be quite similar to the previous feedback. Some redundancies in overview sentence(s) still occur. These are not suggested to be used further in your future practices or even in a real IELTS test. One more thing that I forgot to tell you is that you need to use cohesive devices but not to over-use it. If you take a closer look on your sentences, ALL of them use cohesive devices, except the first sentence. Remember, over-use cohesive devices is one of the criteria in band 5. You cannot go beyond 5 in coherence and cohesion if you still over-use them.

My further suggestion would be on how you should focus on band descriptors. If you aim for band 6 or above, try to take a closer look for each part of the criteria. You are not suggested to ONLY understand it, but ALSO implement it in your writing. Therefore, you can achieve your desirable score later on in your real test. I hope the next practice you can gain some improvements. Good luck :)


Home / Writing Feedback / Burnaby Public Library is portrayed in the line graph