It is well-structured essay and I do love it so much. However, remember that we only have 40 minutes to write an essay task 2.
School and leisure play a pivotal role for students all over the world (you need a sentence to build coherence) . While the great numbers of academic demand pursue students to achieve
sophisticated knowledge(I suggest you to check it out for appropriate adjective) , they should(I think, it innapropriate to use "should" in this sentence) sacrifice much of their leisure to accomplish it. As per the problem, I believe some solutions should be pondered to overcome such students' difficulty.
I prefer using "teenagers"
instead of "students" or "schoolchildren"
teenager : someone who is between 13 and 19 years old
schoolchildren : a child attending school
achieve sophisticated knowledge
acquire much detailed knowledge
Let me try to give an introductory paragraph
In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?
School and leisure time play a pivotal role for students all over the world. Some teenagers are engaged in hectic schedule of study which kills their free activities at least half their time. Thus, I argue that some solution can be taken to overcome this problem.