Cement manufacturing. Essay about diagrams. English learner.

Topic:
The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, how cement is used to produce concrete for building purpose.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Write at least 150 words

presentation of the cement-making process

Essay:
The given diagrams depicts the process by which cement is produced for making concrete which is objective of construction.

In general, both of cement and concrete are made by complex procedures; furthermore, the procedures need 5 and 1 kinds of machine in the complex procedures of cement and concrete, respectively. Aside from that, cement production needs merely 2 kinds of material, whereas concrete production need 4.

In the first step of producing cement, there is the crush phase, in which limestone and clay use crusher making powder, the second being the powder mixing through the mixer. Then the third step using rotating heater to heat up all of the mixing powder. As the final step, all of materials through the grinder become the finished good of cement after heating.

Regarding the second diagram of concrete production, there are 4 kinds of material with specific percentage. For example, gravel is the main material of concrete which occupies halt of percentage. Unlike gravel needs 50%, sand, cement and water which just meed 25%, 15% and 10%, respectively. Gathering all of the materials in the concrete mixer and the final product will be complete; what's more, this kind of merchandise will be applied on construction purpose.

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I really appreciate any help. Thank you very much. :)))

• 
  The given diagram
  

I like the concise way you have put it.
A few points where I felt you could be clearer:
THE GIVEN DIAGRAMS DEPICTS .... are you sure that this is the purpose of construction?

It should be ' Limestone and clay are crushed into powder'

THE PROCEDURES NEED 5 AND 1 ...
It is better to form separate sentences as it makes reading and understanding easy.

Wu, you could have done better work on this diagram essay. Your format is not within the required parameters and your presentation is highly confusing for the reader. As this is your first time writing a Task 1 essay, I will allow you some leeway and rather than being critical of your mistakes, I will instead, offer you advice as to how to properly format and present your essay.

For starters, the opening paragraph must be composed of at least 3 sentences (no more than 5) which accurately explain the purpose of the diagrams and what your summary is all about. Therefore:

There are 2 diagrams presented for summarizing. The first diagram, involves the process involved in cement production. The second diagram, illustrates the method by which concrete is created. These two different procedural diagrams will be summarized below.

The opening statement is normally presented as the summary overview of the provided illustration. While this can be located anywhere within the essay, it is best to place it at the start of the discussion in order to help you create a discussion outline that can assist the reader in following your summary presentation.

You need to focus on creating coherent statements in your paragraphs. For instance, there is no way the reader can understand what you mean by "... the procedures need 5 and 1 kinds of machine". 5 kinds of what? What kind of machine? As far as I can tell from the diagrams, 2 different kinds of machines are involved in the 2 varying procedures. Is that what you meant?

I can tell that you tried to discuss the two procedures in an inclusive manner. Meaning, you tried to combine the discussions in one paragraph. Don't do that. For each illustration provided, always discuss the relevant details as individual paragraphs dedicated to the illustration provided. That way you create clear references and presentations in the essay. Without that clarity, you risk failing the C&C portion of the scoring criteria. Basically, the information in your current second paragraph should have been properly included in the relevant diagram paragraphs. That second paragraph is the most confusing part of your essay.

With regards to your vocabulary, you have shown a clear problem with English word usage and meaning. For example, there is no such term as "halt of percentage". You meant to say "half of the percentage" You also should not have used the term "for example" in the start of the procedure presentation. There is no example to be presented because you are presenting the actual steps in the production method. Therefore, you should have merely indicated that the procedure starts in a certain way.

Finally, you made an assumption that the material would be used for construction purposes. Where in the diagram was that information provided? There is nothing referencing that in the diagrams. Therefore, you should not have made that declaration in the essay. It will be considered misinformation for the reader because there is no data to back up your claims. When there is no data present to give validity to your statement, your TA score will be reduced accordingly.

Basically, this attempt has numerous problems that you should be able to address and correct with your upcoming practice tests. Be conscious of these errors so that you can avoid making the same mistakes again in the next essay.

Thank you for your valuable advice.