The chart - information about the age of women in Australia who give first birth

the percentage of first-time mothers in Australia

The chart below gives information about the age of women in Australia when they give birth to their first child in 1966, 1986 and 2006

My answer:
The bar chart compares the percentage of first-time mothers of different ages in Australia in three separate years.

Overall, the age at which women gave birth to their first child increased over the period shown. Can register an upward trend about the proportion of first- time mothers in over 30 years old and the opposite trend in under 30 women.

In 1966, the women who delivering their first child between 20 and 24 accounting for the highest percentage ( about 60% ) , compared to around 35% who were young mother, aged 19 or under. But after forty years, the ratio in these two groups recorded a decline sharply to around 33% and 15%, respectively. The 25-30 age group recorded a slightly different pattern, with a rise of around 15% during the first twenty years, and a decline of nearly 10% twenty years later, down to just over 40%.

Moving on to the remaining age groups, the percentage of age groups 30-34 and 34-39 for first-time mothers experienced a significant increase in the 40-year period, from approximately 13% to 47% and from 8% to 30%, accordingly. The figures for women aged 40 or over register a fluctuate marginally around 2% and 4% during the same period.

• 
  c.png
  

The first problem with this presentation has to do with the summary overview. You forgot to mention:
- The years covered by the measurement (1966, 1986, 2006)
- Type of measurement (percentage)
- Specific age ranges (19-34 years of age)

The above information should have been presented in a paragraph format. Your trending information seems to be missing some information. When you started the second sentence with "Can register an upward...", it appears that you started the new sentence in the middle as the subject of the verb (register an upward...) is missing. Did you accidentally use a period at the end of the first sentence? It could have been a smooth sentence presentation without the period and simply presenting the complete sentence by joining the two thought presentations into one.

Be uniform in your sentence presentations. Always write a minimum of 3 sentences, no more than 5. Avoid the cop-out of using only commas in separating your sentence topics. Use more punctuation marks. Aim to score better in the GRA by using a proper mix of complex and simple sentences, with a dash of punctuation marks other than commas and periods. Study the advanced set-up of English sentences. That would help introduce you to the advanced usage of punctuation marks as well.