IELTS Writing task 1 check my passage on real estate

ownership and renting of houses

The figure illustrates the percentage of the ownership and rent of houses in different countries which were a part of the United Kingdom from 1918 to 2011.

In general, it is evident from the information given that the rent of houses fell steadily over the 80-year period, whilst ownership houses rose quickly. The year 1971 marks the point at which owned apartments overtook that for rent.

In 1918, in England and Wales, renters held accounted for approximately 80 percent of apartments, compared to the owner held nearly accounted for 22 percent. Over the following four decades, household renters dropped by 30 percent. By Contrast, household ownership has grown by almost 30 percent.

Also noteworthy is the fact that in the year 1971, the people of the household in England and Wales held the same accounted percentage on both ownership and renters, holding just over 50percent on each. By 2011, household owners had reached approximately 65 percent, while the figure for renters had fallen to just over half this account.

What kind of figure ? Are you just doing a cut andpaste of the original description rather than a paraphrase? This is a run - on presentation thatshould have been presented in 3 clearly separate sentences. What is your rush in presenting the summary? Clarity is key to your score in this section. Actually, this kind of presentation may have alsobeen better presented as a 3 paragraph presentation. It doesn't seem like you really have enough datato justify a 4 paragraph report. I wish I had an image to refer to so I could better explain this format to you. The rest of the information seems alright. I can't really review other sections of your essay due to the lack of image.

* Limited review provided due to lack of reference image. Please provide it next time.

@Holt
Thanks for the comment! Attached the photo for further information, please feel free to give advice

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  writingtask1question.jpg
  

In my opinion, I think, at the beginning of the essay, you still need to mention England and Wales rather than just saying different countries. Make it simple and concise.

in the second and third paragraphs, you may describe what is the difference and next what is the similarity. This is important to show the reader that you understand the data.

in the fourth and last paragraph you may give a brief conclusion.

If I were you, I would change a little bit for the introduction like: The figure illustrates the different trends in the the percentages of owning and renting a house throughout the period of 93 years, between 1018 and 2011 in England and Wales.

you could check the meaning of rent as a noun if it is suitable, and two areas should be mentioned in the introduction.