Many children have difficulty paying attention and concentrating in their classes at school

Hello , could you please check my task 2, academic writing , any advice to improve to band 7

These days, many children have difficulty paying attention and concentrating in their classes at school.
What are the reasons for this?
How can it be dealt with?

children not engaged in school activities

One of the most controversial issues these days is how a quite difficult to children to concentrate with their teachers at school. There is a plethora number of people who discuss several major reasons. Many others, however, suggest several effective solutions. I plan to consider both sides in the following paragraphs.

some people put forward many strong reasons and the wakefulness is one of them. According to the recent studies which conducted in the US and some European countries in 2015, only 20% of pupples who get sleep enough. While 80% do not have sufficient sleep or even stay up until the go to school on the next day. Another decisive point is the teacher`s performance. Some teachers are still used the quite conventional ways to explain their lessons in this modern era. That means children will feel bored then they hard focus due to nothing to lured them. As we can see, this is the tip of the iceberg among various causes.

On the other hand, many people discuss several factual solutions such as organization. A parent should regulate their kid's life and that will affect directly on their children`s levels in the school and on their focus in particular. For instance, if the children sleep early, they will go to their classes with a wide awake and totally focus. The second extremely important undoing is the general atmosphere of learning which should be attractive. Hince, the school management capable of helping them with simple things. A particular perfect example is a class should be painted and decorated with attractive and energetic colors such as orange, yellow and green. clearly, it is easy to find workable solutions to such problem.

To put in a nutshell, I pen down saying that the solutions will work better and quicker if the parents the school work together.

@Okaeef
OK to begin with, your opening statement is grammatically incorrect. how a quite difficult to children to concentrate ..., it should be how difficult it is for children to concentrate.... To add fuel to fire, the statement is giving the wrong idea. I mean concentrate with their teacher on what? Plus, there is no such thing as 'plethora number'. Plethora itself means 'a lot of', it would be better to say 'a plethora of people', but to be honest, it feels strange rather than appealing. You can put a better impression by just saying 'plenty of people' instead.

Are you using word's Thesaurus for lexical resource? If yes then don't do it. In English, there is a thing called subject-verb agreement. Not all verbs with same meaning can be used in every context. For instance, we can say 'Cars consume fuel' but can we say 'humans consume food'? No. For humans, the appropriate word is eat, although both words have more or less same meaning.

The first para is meant to paraphrase your subject, and provide a clear topic statement on which you will further develop your essay.

Start from the beginning. It has too many mistakes to point out in a single post. Right now, the essay is hardly a 4.

Okaeef, the score for this essay is 3 and it is not just because of the failing score that your lexical resource and grammar accuracy brings to your overall score consideration. The main problem with your essay is that you did not understand the prompt requirements. Which is why you ended up discussing a related topic. It is a related topic that does not address the prompt requirements properly. The prompt expected you to do only 2 things. The first, is discuss one or two reasons as to why children cannot concentrate on their lessons in school. The second, is how the problem can be dealt with. Your discussion though, focused on discussing "both sides" of an issue that was never present in the prompt requirement. You did not understand the demands of the essay and therefore, delivered a totally wrong discussion of the topic that was provided. It is because of your weak comprehension skills, which relate to task accuracy that your overall score was pulled down, resulting in your failing score.

Hi @Okaeef
I've read your entire essay and i found some phrases and words that i did not understand exactly. I guessed that you may misspell the words because i have searched such words and i find nothing such as pupples. In introduction, you are able to refer into your body paragraph toward the idea that you want to elaborate. so that readers can get an initial illustration regarding your body paragraph instead of just said that you wanted to explain. Your first body paragraph needs a strong emphasizing regarding your idea.


In your conclusion, i think it is not enough to just say like that. It can be a recommendation given as additional sentences. However, you need to conclude your essay explanation. It can be included; word or phrase of conclusion, thesis statement, main idea of each paragraph, and recommendation/suggestion.

hope it helps you.

@Okaeef
Dear, Your essay is scattered. Your introduction is not strong enough to keep the reader going further.
Start with a good introduction
Then list the reasons for the why they can't concentrate in the Paragraph
Then the 2nd paragraph should be providing a detailed explanation of the reasons mentioned giving examples where necessary
The 3rd shud be solutions to the already listed reasons and conclusion.

Hi guys @ChiObi @yuukinohan4 @Holt @eiriashhar

Thank you so much for all your golden feedback. I read them all more than once.
I understand the question but the problem is my using to certain structure which is not fit the answer of the question. From now I will stop using those ready structure.

again thank you