Children & Family topic, talk about pressure on children

Nowadays parents put too much pressure on their children to success

.
What is the reason for doing this? Is this a negative or positive development?

In these modern days, children are the one who are hoped to be successful by parents so parents have to push hard on their children. In this essay, I will first explain the reason for doing this and secondly will evaluate if this can lead to a good development.

There are various causes to put pressure on children, yet two of them will be explained. At the begining, in the young ages, youngsters often cannot focus on their main work, such as studying, and can easily get distracted by any games. The Scientists have stated that there are a numerous rate children who choose playing rather than studying. So that parents have to put their eyes on their children to make sure that kids will not get distracted. Furthermore, succeed is the only thing people fight for, the same as the caregivers, they want their youngsters to have the good position in society. For example, Asian parents will take their kids to many academic centers to learn at extra classes, thus they win with flying colors and be a good leader. Therefore, children have more pressure by their parents.

Many people believe this prespective lead to a positive development because ancientors have once said pressure can make a diamond. For instance, if a young child is put enough pressure by his caregivers, definitely oneday that child will have a lot of social positions. As a result, not only the child prouds of himself or herself but also he or she become the good example for many people.

In conclusion, as fas as I concern, chidren can be in their better version within the parents' pressure and this sould be encouraged more. I suggest parents should put pressure on their children in the right method so that advoided children being stressed.

The first paragraph is the writer's restatement and opnion presentation. This is based on the original discussion directive. It is a direct restatement of the original topic. It should not included writer's opinion in the opening presentation. In this instance, the writer's opinion


should not be a part of the restatement. It can however, be integrated into the direct response for the writer's opinion.

The writer's opinion should directly respond to the questions being asked by presenting a summarized form of his reasoning paragraphs. That means, the writer should not restate the discussion instructions because he will not receive a TA score for that. The TA score is based at the start on the writer's direct responses to the provided questions. Known as the thesis statement, it helps establish the discussion path of the essay in the succeeding paragraphs.

The reasoning paragraph division is incorrect in this presentation. While the second paragraph or first reasoning paragraph establishes the reasons behind the pressure and equally establishes the evidence for this claim, The positive or negative opinion was not clearly explained in the next paragraph as expected. Rather, the writer incorrectly used it as a concluding statement for the essay, which would lead to an automatic failing score. The automatic failing score will be due to the lack of proper summarized conclusion based on the preceding discussion. The positive or negative opinion should have been a stand alone third paragraph or second reasoning paragraph because it requires a completely developed discussion and evidence presentation similar to the causes paragraph. This is only a 4 paragraph discussion based on the provided discussion topics. The questions will always dictate the number of reasoning paragraphs, which will range between 2 - 3 paragraphs. The rule of thumb is:

1 question = 2 reasoning paragraphs
2 questions = 2 reasoning paragraphs
3 questions = 3 reasoning paragraphs

An additional error in the concluding statement is that the writer indicated a possible solution or suggestion to the situation. This is a statement that is not a part of the discussion development instruction. It led to a prompt change as it is an additional topic. Additionally, it left the essay without a proper concluding summary presentation. The lack of a proper summary conclusion will always result in a failing score for the essay.

@Maria_Ph
Maybe, it can be better that you should center your final quote to the questions itself by giving a response to them instead of what are your solutions to the problem.

... are the oneones who are ... (this sentence is too complicated, i reckon you should put 2 clauses in 1 sentence). In this essay, I will ... (How about this: My essay will give explanations of this before my own justification is given.)

... At the begining, in the young ages, youngsters (i think you should choose one of them to avoid duplication) often cannot focus ... get distracted by any games. The Scientists have stated that there are a numerous rate children who choose playing rather than studying. (this example is unreliable)(this example is unreliable) So that parents ... kids will not get distracted. Furthermore, ... For example, ... centers to learn at extra classes (learn sth), thus they win could pass the exams with flying colors ...

(...)

In conclusion, ... and this sould be encouraged more. I suggest ... the right method so that advoided children being stressed. (my recommendation: in order to prevent children from being stressed)