Hi Gurus,
I just drafted an essay for the below IELTS essay topic. I feel my essay requires corrections and your valuable suggestions for me to improve my writing skills.Please suggest me my weak areas i.e, Grammar,Punctuation or Sentence formation.
Question:
"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
My Essay:
---------
Becoming a father or mother and feeling the touch of the new born baby is undoubtedly one of the happiest moments in any ones' life. Considering this fact, and while we enjoy fatherhood and motherhood, both the parents have equal responsibility in the upbringing of the children. In my opinion, I completely disagree that women are only responsible for deciding to have babies and bringing the children up.
In the past, there was a convention that father only satisfies the needs of the children and mother shared the love and affection. But now, the modern society realized that how important the father's role is, in the upbringing of the children. The modern day father is more like a friend to their children and who plays with them, hangout with them and discuss any important decisions he is taking about the family. They also value the ideas and views that their children share with them. Nowadays the children are given more liberty by their father to take their own decisions about their education and the friends they would like to have.
Even the corporate have realized the importance of fatherhood and in order for their employees to enjoy those initial moments, they introduced the concept of Paternity leave, in which the company will usually give 5 days of paid leave to them. In case if both the partners are working, to have the work-life balance for their employees, the company will allow them to work from home without any bias i.e., for mother or father. The steps taken by the companies like the ones mentioned, will allow the fathers also to take equal responsibility in bringing up their children.
To Summarize, the notion of mothers being more responsible for taking care and bringing up the children is no longer valid. In the modern society both the partners share the equal responsibility. Children require the love and warmth shared by both father and mother, for their complete development.
-------------------- END ---------------------
Appreciate your help!!!
Thanks
KSR
I just drafted an essay for the below IELTS essay topic. I feel my essay requires corrections and your valuable suggestions for me to improve my writing skills.Please suggest me my weak areas i.e, Grammar,Punctuation or Sentence formation.
Question:
"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
My Essay:
---------
Becoming a father or mother and feeling the touch of the new born baby is undoubtedly one of the happiest moments in any ones' life. Considering this fact, and while we enjoy fatherhood and motherhood, both the parents have equal responsibility in the upbringing of the children. In my opinion, I completely disagree that women are only responsible for deciding to have babies and bringing the children up.
In the past, there was a convention that father only satisfies the needs of the children and mother shared the love and affection. But now, the modern society realized that how important the father's role is, in the upbringing of the children. The modern day father is more like a friend to their children and who plays with them, hangout with them and discuss any important decisions he is taking about the family. They also value the ideas and views that their children share with them. Nowadays the children are given more liberty by their father to take their own decisions about their education and the friends they would like to have.
Even the corporate have realized the importance of fatherhood and in order for their employees to enjoy those initial moments, they introduced the concept of Paternity leave, in which the company will usually give 5 days of paid leave to them. In case if both the partners are working, to have the work-life balance for their employees, the company will allow them to work from home without any bias i.e., for mother or father. The steps taken by the companies like the ones mentioned, will allow the fathers also to take equal responsibility in bringing up their children.
To Summarize, the notion of mothers being more responsible for taking care and bringing up the children is no longer valid. In the modern society both the partners share the equal responsibility. Children require the love and warmth shared by both father and mother, for their complete development.
-------------------- END ---------------------
Appreciate your help!!!
Thanks
KSR