College Dropout Rates - vause & Effect Essay in 3rd person, need direction

Help!! I am to do a cause & effect essay in 3rd person. Here is my intro/thesis/1st para. Is this tone I use too much, too personal, or should I keep it more presentable and professinoal regarding college dropout rates. Please let me know also if this is too much dialogue.

So appreciate your help.

College Dropout Rates are Today's Reality

There was much to be anticipated when Denise, a then high school student envisioned college. She had spent countless hours filling out admissions and scholarship applications, talked about all the details of campus and classes, to anyone who'd listen. She had visited numerous campuses until her mom and dad firmly recommend she come to a conclusion. Denise could never imagine herself labeled as a "college dropout" like so many others were in their first year of school. Denise had no idea that some popular and common causes for college dropout rates were consequently attributed to the following factors: expenses, stress and social issues-welcome to reality.

Undoubtedly, educational expenses are underestimated, and according to (Whitbourne 2002) who wrote- according to Act American College Testing , one in every four students dropout before finishing sophomore year. This completely took Denise by surprise, and she couldn't comprehend the statistic. "These are going to be the best years of my life." Denise shared with her mom. Her mom cautiously warned that students frequently brought "baggage" such as past credit card debt and newly accrued debt. Denise's mom was thankful that Denise had not been tempted by that sinister fate - yet. Finding it difficult to make even minimum payments, those students are forced to find part-time work to stay in good credit standings. Thankfully, Denise was informed by her high school counselor how to deal with burdensome living expenses and student loans that add up quickly. Often many only planned for the first semester of expenses, and sadly they resorted to more credit card debt and/or loans. Elated that she'd worked so hard early on, Denise chimed. "Boy am I thankful for those scholarships." Smiling, her mother added, "Me too."

thank you so much, Denise

There was much to be anticipated when Denise, a then high school student envisioned college. She had spent countless hours filling out admissions and scholarship applications, and she talked about all the details of the campus and classes, to anyone who would listen.

About the style, I like it! But is it what the teacher expects? If you are conscientious enough to run this by the teacher, and then take any advice she gives, you can't help but get an A!!!

:)

You can be more concise in places:

"Denise had no idea that some popular and common causes for college dropout rates were consequently attributed to the following factors: expenses, stress and social issues-welcome to reality."

"Denise did not realize that expenses, stress, and social issues often prompted students to drop out of college."

Also, you seem to be referring to yourself in the third person, a practice that may make people question your sanity. I would suggest either using the first person, or, if the assignment criteria force you to use the 3rd person, sticking to a general discussion of the causes of college dropout rates.

Hello Denise, assuming that is your name. This is my first post as well so let me be out with it in saying that I don't pull any punches. Now that we have taken care of formalities we can address your introduction on college dropout rates.

I must say, the tone you project is not exactly my favorite, and even that is when it's executed seamlessly. You make many grammatical errors relating to the issue of tense agreement, which in turn condemn your paper that already had high aspirations to begin with.

Here are a few examples that I feel you should correct:

"There was much to be anticipated when Denise, a then high school student envisioned college."

Don't make the mistake of assuming your readers are stupid, when you start out "there was much to be anticipated" you can safely assume that your reader can guess this is taking place in the past, it follows that "a then high school student" be ommitted. If you insist on clarifying here is an alternative, ... "a high school student at the time envisioned college".

Your second sentence does not deviate far from this theme of tense agreement.

"She had spent countless hours filling out admissions and scholarship applications, talked about all the details of campus and classes, to anyone who'd listen."

When you include "filling" in the first part of the sentence, you cannot suddenly switch gears and say "talked" in the second part. One is happening now, and the other presumably in hindsight. Either change it to "talking", or start a new sentence after "applications", . She talked ...

On to the subject of your second paragraph. Let me reiterate in saying that I don't like the approach you take in your paper to begin with, but if you must do it, consistency cannot be stressed enough. That is, in grammar, delivery, and tone. In the first line of your second paragraph we are accosted with a great statistic in an enlightening tone, thereafter you attempt some continuity, including the character of your story in a melodramatic sort of way, "she couldn't comprehend it", it just comes across as phony, unwieldy and patronizing. The single most serious error you make is by waltzing back and forth between two entirely different tones, one cogent and the other with this anecdotal story quotes and all, the result is that it sounds like a children's story.

I recommend that you try to achieve some consistency in your story, all else is secondary in my opinion.

""She had spent countless hours filling out admissions and scholarship applications, talked about all the details of campus and classes, to anyone who'd listen." Actually, this is fine. "spent" agrees with "talked," with the past perfect "had" modifying both of them. You might want to get rid of the last comma, though, and add an "and" after "applications."

As for the tone, it isn't really so horrible. It's just that it becomes a question of whether the essay is going to be about Denise's personal experiences in college or about the general reasons why people drop out of college. Using a personal anecdote to demonstrate a point is a perfectly valid technique, but if the anecdote begins to expand into a competing narrative essay within your expository one, that becomes a problem.