Competition or cooperation in our society - IELTS 2

Topic:
Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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There is an ongoing debate over whether competition or cooperation in our society is important. Although competing in some circumstances can foster development of individuals and motivate people to work harder, I advocate the view of collaboration because of higher productivity and social ties it can bring.

Indeed, competition plays a role as catalyst for people to improve themselves and work harder. The desire to become successful drive human to make much more effort to achieve their goal. For example, people need to increase their level of concentration and boost the capability of their cognitive function in examination or competition to achieve higher results and surpass others. However, making much effort in a long period can degrade mental health and cause tiredness. To be more specific, consistent focusing requires a lot of energy hence deficiency of relaxation and nutrition might damage mental health.

Cooperation at work or study may heighten productivity. In fact, different parts of work can be done by distinctive individuals based on their strange on aspects hence the work can be finished in a shorter period compared to working independently. Moreover, people also create new relationships with their teammates or colleagues. For instance, working in a team requires mutual communication and understanding between members, constructing stronger bond between them.

In conclusion, competition is necessary to promote self-improvement, however, it seems to be effective in some competitive context such as examination or tournament. In addition, I believe that cooperation is essential part of our society due to productivity and social ties.

The essay fails to use pronouns to reference the point of view being discussed in the body of paragraphs. The examiner needs to know if these are being discussed from your POV or if you are explaining the public opinion and then referencing your own opinion in the closing paragraph. In which case, the essay will get an automatic failing score since you failed to properly and fully develop your personal opinion. It is unacceptable to present your personal opinion in the concluding paragraph as you do not have enough space to fully explain your opinion anymore. Considering that you are also summarizing the previous discussion points, you can see why your explanation will be affected if you only present a single sentence in the reverse paraphrase section.