IELTS 2: Computers are just a tool or the most important invention?

Topic:Computers are often argued to be the most important invention of the last hundred years. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

the greatest invention of the last decades

My essay:
There is an argument about whether computers are the best invention of all time or not. Some of them, included me, completely agree with the statement that computers are the greatest invention of the last decades.

First of all, computers are regarded as the most useful tools to store information. With a small computer, you can save for more than thousands of documents, videos or photos as well. As everyone knows that inside every computer has installed a modern micro-chip which helps them to store anything the users want. In comparison with the traditional libraries which can just contain a certain number of books, novels... and one of the things makes it inferior to computers is that it is impossible for us to bring huge libraries whenever we prefer to read some books while traveling.

In addition, intelligence is also another feature turns computers to be the most momentous invention up till now. With a computer from the oldest to the most modern ones, there is no problem for them to make hundreds of calculations no matter how difficult and complicated the equations are. Moreover, it gives us the most convenient service to relieve ourselves after a daily rat race thanks to its intelligence: chatting with distant relatives or friends no longer a hard point for us with the help of computers, for instance.

On the other hand, not all that the computers bring to us are the best. Also, they have many other drawbacks that need us to consider. For example, because of its convenience, fast and usefulness, human now became more and more dependent on it. We often see the others keep concentrating on the screen, spend full time a day on computers, and even children now our desire to stay in front of the screen to glue their eyes to the computers instead of hanging out with friends.

In conclusion, no one can deny the key role of computers in our life, as well as computers, are the most powerful invention as recognition. But in fact, we also should use it as a tool for lightening our work rather than become the servants for it.

@melanienguyen278
I think there shouldn't be the 3rd paragraph as you've totally agreed with the idea. If everything about computers is not the best, then basically the invention of this technology is not that significant, which also means the introduction of computers is not very important. Other than that, the rest is well written, paragraph 2 and 3 are convincing enough.

perhaps you can give one sentence in the first paragraph to provide some background information regarding the topic.
In general, your essay is quite detailed and convining. But it seems to me that it is sometimes informal
"there is no problem for them to make hundreds of calculations no matter how difficult and complicated the equations are" it seems weird to use there is no problem

@melanienguyen278
Hello!

First and foremost, I think that your essay is well-written! You were able to establish your thoughts and create a decent grounding for your facts and arguments. That being said, I would recommend that you try to be cautious of the structure of your sentences. I have noticed that often you stretch out your structure, making you incorporate irrelevant and unnecessary words in between. Straightforward always works best.

Secondly, play around with your transitions. While I know that you are using conventional transitions (paragraph to paragraph, sentence to sentence), I recommend trying to create more organic approaches. Develop your own intuitive style to cultivate your writing techniques.

Lastly, be cautious of the following: punctuation and preposition. You had minor grammatical slip-ups (albeit are easily correctable - no worries!) that can influence the overall output you have.

Let's revise a few parts of your essay to give you an example of what I mean by these.

There are debates on whether or not computers are the best invention of all time; I agree with this statement.*

*It is unnecessary and dragging for you to repeat that phrase after this clause.

First of all, computers are useful tools in storing information. With a small computer, you can save thousands of documents, videos, and photos. Modern micro-chips installed in computers help store these data for users. In comparison, traditional libraries are limited, making them inferior to computers. [...]

Notice how I integrate together sentences; try this technique as well! This will go a long way with your writing.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors!