A concise narrative about an important event - UF Architecture college essay!

The topic is:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

My essay:

If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain. This is the lesson I have learned upon tearing my ACL last summer.

From the age of eight, gymnastics was my world. My goal from the start was to compete on the women's gymnastics team at the University of Florida. I have attended many summer camps at the UF campus. To me, UF has been my dream, my inspiration, and my motivation. I have, and still do, want nothing more than to be accepted into this college. On May 28, 2008, the last practice before Junior Olympic tryouts, I dismounted off the balance beam and with a loud pop, my life was changed forever. Shortly after hearing from the surgeon that I had torn my ACL and reconstruction surgery was required, I was needed to rethink my future. With a two-year recovery time recommended, Junior Olympics, hopes of moving up to the next level, and my dream of being a gymnast at UF disappeared. Getting back into the sport required time I did not have between AP classes and my new job.

Without gymnastics in the picture, academics became more prominent to me. I learned how to handle a greater workload and manage my money, time, and priorities. It was a slight change of plans but without it, I wouldn't be the person I am today. After all, being defeated is temporary, giving up makes it permanent. After some careful thinking about what's ahead, I decided to pursue a career in Architecture. I've always been interested in design and I believe the University of Florida can help me accomplish my dream of opening up my own business and helping others put their dream houses to life. I really want to make something of myself and I know the University of Florida is the gateway to making it happen.

This event in my life really allowed me to open up my eyes and prepare myself for the road ahead. My involvement in the Future Business Leaders of America at East Bay High School increased tremendously. I became Treasurer my junior year and now, as a senior, I am Vice President. I plan to continue my involvement at UF with Phi Beta Lambda. I am looking forward to becoming involved in the UF college experience to support the University and the community around it.

As a more honest and responsible student, I am more than willing to work my hardest in hopes of truly finding that rainbow, through the rain clouds and all.

Do i need to add another paragraph for the conclusion? Also is this a winning essay!? Thank you!

I think this is a winning essay! You should add a conclusion to wrap it up

You do need a conclusion. But, even more, you need to follow the directions and make the essay concise. That means both narrowing the information you include to only the most relevant and writing sentences and paragraphs that go directly and vividly to the point, without any verbal flab.

If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain. This is the simple lesson I have learned upon the tearing of my ACL last summer.

From the age of eight, gymnastics was my world. I was a committed, determined, and competitive gymnast. I did not have much of a life outside of gymnastics yet I continued to excel in school although it was not my main focus . My goal ever since I first started, was competingfrom the start was to compete on the women's gymnastics team at the University of Florida.

I'll let one of our experts on concise writing -- Liebe? Noto? -- give you more specific tips.

oh ok. In this essay i want to show them some of my qualities too though. Or maybe i shouldn't?

Your experience and way of dealing with it should show your qualities, without you having to explicitly mention them.


At the moment, your essay doesn't really do this. Perhaps you should use the space you save from making the cuts Simone recommended to add something that touches on one of these ideas.

ok thank you. Any idea on how to incorporate those into it?

Let's see the edited down draft, along with a summary of what you'd like to add.

Student Responsibility- have become more responsible, learned to put academics ahead of social life, took harder classes
Academic Integrity- honest, trustworthy, fair, respectful

So i should find examples to demonstrate that?

If you like, you can close your essay by reflecting on those values as demonstrated in the examples you have already given. Also, be sure to break the essay into paragraphs.

Your essay makes it sound as if you are settling for a career in architecture because an injury has prevented you from doing what you really want to do, which is gymnastics. I think this is mainly because you spend so much of the essay talking about gymnastics, and because you describe gymnastics as something "that was your world," "since age 8," whereas you sort of make architecture sound like something you have picked because its sort of interesting to you and you think you can make a decent living off of it. These are excellent reasons to go into architecture, of course, but the contrast in tone is a bit jarring. It's fine to say you changed plans after your injury, but I'd condense the description of the negative effects of the injury to make more room to talk about your discovery of your love of architecture.

Sean makes a very good point. I'd not thought about that, but it might trouble the admissions officers. So, skip the platitudes about values and instead add more about discovering architecture.

ok! i'll post my new essay when i finish. Thank you so much!

I don't really think that your quote applies since you didn't really have to put up with rain (tearing your ACL)in order to get to your rainbow (archetecture). Maybe you should make it a little clearer.

ok because i was trying to imply that i have had to work really hard to get to where i am now. The rainbow would be going to UF because thats what i've always wanted to do. The rain was the whole process of realizing my life isn't actually over because i can't do gymnastics i just had to find something else.

Oh ok. I must have misunderstood then. :P

Or maybe you're right and i wasn't clear enough about it. I'm not sure how to change it though.

You could leave out the over-used rainbow/rain statement altogether.