Unanswered [18] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

'My sister's problems and solutions' - concise narrative describe a meaningful event


Noumon 1 / -  
Oct 14, 2009   #1
Frightened and anxious I walked through the cold, seemingly abandoned hospital hallways tightly griping my mothers hand to visit my ill sister. Only one thought ran through mind "Is she going to be alright?" After what seemed like hours of paperwork we were finally aloud to visit. I walked, half stumbled into the room from the anxiety, to see the horrific sight of my baby sister breathing through a machine, with small tubes weaving in and out of her tender young body. I couldn't bear the sight so I dug my face into my mother shirt. At such a young naive age little did I know this event would reflect upon my behavior in the future.

"Make sure you check your blood sugar level before you eat that cake." My mom reminds my sister as we all have desert. It has been 11 years since my younger sister Sumayia has been diagnosed with diabetes. She is in stable conditions but ever since that faithful night she has lost the function of her right arm due to stroke. Though she is physically handicapped my sister has always kept a positive approach to life, she is outgoing and friendly and she wears a smile that makes anyone feel comforted. Sumayia is always determined to do the best she can at any activity she participates in. I remember the time I took my sister to the pool to teach her swimming, she was very happy and eager to learn. Swimming was a very difficult task for her, and in particular because of only being able to use one hand, it was hardest for her to develop the freestyle stroke but she didn't let that get in her way she kept trying and trying until she mastered the stroke.

My sister with out a doubt is a very determined individual. Many times I have used and still continue to use her determination as my own inspiration. I remember doing this several times in my first year of high school. One occasion I was in gym class, I was 14, frail and very small built, but with an ego larger than life, so there I was strutting my stuff until the coach announces that we will be doing push ups today. Beads of sweat ran down my face I looked right and left the guys were bragging about how many push ups they would accomplish but I never even tried a push up once! My turn came to approach the mat my face became hot and my mouth dry I began imagining how the other guys would make fun of me when I would fall flat on my face, but then something else popped in my head I began remembering my sister and how she deals with problems like these everyday how awkward it must be for her to have someone else button her shirt for her or to have someone else tie her shoes but still she overcomes all these feelings and continues on with a smile. Quickly a wave of courage came to me, if my sister can overcome her problems, than I a young fully cable young body can perform a few meager push ups. I pumped away bringing all my energy to my arms and chest and managed 10 push ups the average for my age.

My sister's ability to overcome her problems despite her handicaps has inspired me whenever conflict arrives in my life; it helps me overcome these conflicts in a positive manner helpful to me and other beside me. This is the attitude I will bring to the UF campus. I will be able to help my self and others and rise to success as a proud Gator if can your acceptance as a student.

EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 15, 2009   #2
but ever since that faithful night

"fateful" night?

Wait a minute, this is a university application essay? This won't do at all, then. Your sister as an inspirational person is an okay topic, but if the best inspiration she has ever given you is the ability to do 10 push ups to avoid being laughed at, well, that doesn't say a whole lot of good things about you. You need this essay to show how deep and reflective you are, and at the moment, it doesn't do that.
shaddy 17 / 47 7  
Apr 16, 2013   #3
My sister's ability to overcome her problems despite her handicaps has inspired me whenever conflict arrives in my life; it helps me overcome these conflicts in a positive manner helpful to me and other beside me. This is the attitude I will bring to the UF campus. I will be able to help my self and others and rise to success as a proud Gator if can your acceptance as a student

I was actually going to ask why did you write the bad comments on my essay but then this piece of writing came across my attention.

You wrote brilliantly and it is a great piece of writing !

I do not know much about the essays that are written for university admissions but the script is great and you can be a good story writer. Just need to use the experiences with your full of emotions !


Home / Writing Feedback / 'My sister's problems and solutions' - concise narrative describe a meaningful event