IELTS : consumers and advertisements

I am very glad if you can help me improve my level of writing. what are the significant problems in my essay? vocabulary, grammer, coherence or structure ...?Thank you!

Topic:
Consumers are faced with increasing numbers of advertisements from competing companies. To what extent do you think are consumers influenced by advertisements? What measures can be taken to protect them?

Essay:
Nowadays, advertisements can be seen in everywhere. If you take bus, advertisements will be printed in the surface of buses or the seats where you sit. In the meanwhile people can see them on the lift which you take every day and facade of buildings. It is undeniable that people are indoctrinated product information by advertisements, which have influenced their behaviour towards buying commodities.

Many people reckon that they connect productions which are recommended by celebrities with high quality. So that, built on such fact, organisations are willing to invite famous film stars, singer stars, and exceptional player to propagate the productions. However, these stars do not know if the productions are really useful, or even more, they do not care! While, after using the cosmetics or health productions recommended by them, some consumers realized that the companies advocate too much about these productions. In other words, they are not as useful as they indicated in the commercials. Far from that, people's email boxes and telephones are filled with rubbish letters and messages of commercials, which decrease the efficiency of work and study, result of people's distaste.

There are two methods deal with false commercials and rubbish letters and messages. Firstly, the government should set up a policy which regulate the content in the advertisements, making sure the reality of propaganda. More over, The organisations and enterprises should invest most of their capital in the improvement of quality of productions instead of inviting celebrities advertise these commercials. Beyond that, consumers should know the tricks in advertisements.

In conclusion, people have can not ignore the advertisement impact on people's habitat in buying thinks. However, people should treat these advertisements neutrally as there are too much unreal propaganda in them. Meanwhile, the government and organization should response for the content in the advertisements.

Well this is your introduction and the objective of an introduction is to introduce the topic to the reader. It is not the place for examples.

dumi
In my opinion, hook is a sentence which can be done by telling a story or setting a scene causing readers remember the same experience. I wonder if my understanding of hook is right. I tried to write some hooks, please tell me which is best or no one is match. Thank you!

1. When you go shopping facing hundreds of commodities, which one will you choose in the end? "I knew Kobe (a famous basketball player ) likes drinking this kind beverage, it must be good!" How do people know it? Of course, Kobe will not tell you, it is advertisements do. (Maybe too long)

2. When you recommend a telephone to your friends, how do you know that one is the best? You never compared them, it was advertisement told you.

3. Who helps you choose a trolley of commodities? By yourself or by your friends? The truth is neither, instead, it is advertisement do.