Controversial: Teenagers are working while they are still students

Hello friends...
Nice to meet you again.
Please, you read my essay!
You may give me several your opinions.

Question:
In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

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Answer:

Nowadays, Several people think that teenagers are needing to work while they are still students. However, other persons think that pupil should not work. These become a controversial between society. It has advantages and disadvantages. In this essay I will explain several points reasons.

On the one hand, I think that it will give their many benefits. First of all, they can arrange time when they should study and when they would work. So, they spend of time just for gaining useful for their living. For example, I have friend in Aceh. Her name is Yusnidar. A year ago, she had been studying in Syiah Kuala University. Otherwise, she worked too in a course in Lingke. It was A Plus. She could arrange of time between study and work. With the result that, she did not waste of time and she got salary with her hard work. Second of all, pupil can learn how to save money and they can keep their budget. Therefore, they can feel to become personal independently.

On the other hand, students can have not much time to make homework and they can have not much time to study hard. This option sometimes many persons fail on their examination. In my observation, several students should study hard and they should need much time for learning new subject and prepare themselves for examination. So, my point that someone should look themselves for deciding to combine work and study.

Finally, I believe that experience of working will give useful in the future. Then, it can help to shape personal independently.

On the one hand, I think that it will give theirthem many benefits.


First of all, they would develop time management skills which would be very helpful for them in their adult life


... this sentence is very confusing. I think you should remove it from this para. You need to pay more attention to your grammar.

i think you can write like this;
I will explain several reasons

Pahan is right. I too think this phrase adds no value.
they can arrange time when they should study and when they would work.


is used when saying what bad thing will happen if something is not done. E.g. You'll have to go now, otherwise you'll miss your bus.


Vague Pronoun Reference


Incomplete sentence