In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think it is a good idea

studying and working simultaneously

As you know, we are living in the Technology Age. People is becoming more and more intelligent, especially teenagers. They are passionate and desirable. Some of them can find a job when they are still going to school. Certainly, I think it is a good idea.

Firsrly, they can earn the money by themselves. Several jobs like: servicing at a coffee shop or restaurant, taking care of baby,... will bring them an amount of money. From this, they can save money or buy something they want. Moreover, they are partly independent from their parents. And this help their family income.

Secondly, they will get more experiences for their career. They will know how to solve the problem, communicate fluently, broad their relationships,... Therefore, they become more and more mature. They know what they really want to do and which job is suitable for them. So that, they can choose the next steps for their career.

However, some students are becoming worse at studying because they just focus on earning money from their job. They must aware that the job is minor and their study is the most important thing. They need to arrange their schedule reasonably. Therefore, they will have benefits from two sides.

That teenagers gave a job while they are still students has both benefits and drawbacks. To sum up, I presonally think it is quite a good idea.

Since the original discussion referred to some countries, it was inappropriate of you to make a reference to the Technology Age as the discussion topic basis. That is not the actual prompt topic. You should have given a more identical topic representation to the original. So no reference to Technology Age but definitely refer to "Your adults worldwide". You should not have offered a personal reason in the second sentence yet. While this should have been a 3 sentence presentation, using personal opinions this early, when it is not yet required for the discussion, should not have been something that you did. While the presentation has good points in relation to the original prompt, there are also negative presentations, that alter the original discussion. So the TA score will be starting your scoring consideration off at a disadvantage.

Do not use creative writing punctuation marks in academic writing. There is no sense in using ellipses in the second paragraph because you are not referring to a creative pause in your writing. You are closing the sentence, as required in academic presentations. avoid using non-academic references such as "more and more". These are memorized phrases that will not help increase your TA, LR, or GRA scores.

This is a single opinion essay presentation. Using the comparative paragraph will not count towards your final score. Instead, it might force you to come under the minimum word count, resulting in a non word count compliant essay, with deductions applied for not fully discussing your single opinion presentation. The conclusion, is less than 40 words and is not composed of 2 sentences so expect to have additional TA score reductions based on that error.

Your overall essay has only 231 words. So there will be proper deductions for the missing 19 words. Incorporate the deductions for the irrelevant paragraph and you will definitely have a non-passing essay presentation for this task. Always use 2-5 sentences per paragraph to help ensure that you meet the minimum word count. The more complex and simple sentence presentations you have, the higher your word count will also be. Aim to write between 275-290 words in 5 sentences, within 4 paragraphs.

Yes sir but this essay just requires 200 words. Thank you so much. Have a good day sir!!!