IELTS writing task 2 Crimes are rising among young people. Cause - solution

Crime appears to be rising in most countries in the world, especially among young people.

Identify the possible causes of this trend, and propose some solutions you think would be effective.

Recently, the number of criminals has been climbing up all around the world. The roots for this issue seem to be focused on 3 areas. Some methods to address these problems seem to be clear to us.

The major cause, perhaps, comes from the lack of suitable punishments of the authority. For example, the punishments for criminals usually aim at causing mental or physical damages without being educative and directing them to be a better person. Another visual cause is from poverty. It is obvious that most people choose to become criminals because they cannot afford their life. It is easy to understand since no one originally wants to commit crimes unless they are urged by their survival instinct. Last but not least, family life can substantially affect a child to become a criminal in the future. It appears in some cases that criminals' parents used to commit crimes in the past

Turning to possible remedies for these problems, the main role may come from the authority. Instead of torturing criminals' mentality and physicality. They should implement some activities that help enhance the awareness of being a better person of the crime committer. The state also needs to focus on the poors and make sure that economy develops equally. Another solution is to provide homeless people with subsidy. To reduce the crime rate, parents should consider the most efficient way to raise child regardless of who they were in the past since everyone has a past and they need to acknowledge that they have learn the lesson and they should teach their children not to step on their foot print.

In summary, the main causes come from penalties, economy and education. Authority can help by providing subsidy and changing the punishments while each parent should try their best to give proper education to their children contribute to the reduction of crimes.

other options for " for example" : "to be more precise", "to make this view much clearer, one good example for this might that..."

The general focus of your essay is incorrect. The topic surrounds the discussion of the rise in crime among young people. You did not identify the age group within the prompt paraphrase as it was indicated in the original discussion. You also did not paraphrase enough words in the first sentence to prove that you did not use memorized words and phrases in the restated presentation. There is also no clear outline of the discussion topics in relation to the causes and solutions you will be presenting, as it relates to the young adults discussion.

You lack proper topic development and explanation in all the relevant sections of the essay. You only mention topics with a slight explanation but no justification. The justification of your discussion is what creates the cohesiveness and coherence in the essay. Otherwise, it is nothing but simply stated topics, which leads to little or no discussion development as evidenced in this presentation.

Please correct me if I am wrong :
1. that they have learned the lesson.
2. subsidy --> subsidies

pargraph2 no need from
P3 first line authority no need article
Also there are some grammatical errors in ur essay