The data regarding how the rates of birth fluctuated from 1920 to 2000 in China and USA

changes in the birth rates - China vs USA

The given line graph illustrates data regarding how the rates of birth in China and the USA fluctuated from 1920 to 2000.

Overall, while both nations witnessed a general downward trend, the USA's birth proportion was slightly higher than that of China over the provided period.

In terms of the natality rate of America, although commencing at above 10% in 1920, the fertility percentage in this country took a dramatic plunge, hitting a low point at around 5% in 1945, then bouncing back to 15% for the following five years, at which point, the proportion showed a gradual decrease to roughly 7% in 2000.

Likewise, the Chinese counterpart underwent a comparatively similar pattern. Particularly, the fertility rate of China started at 10% in 1920, then fluctuated to 15% in 1935 before declining sharply to a plateau from 1940 to 1945. It was at this time that the volume demonstrated significant growth, reaching a peak of 20% in 1950. Since then, it fell steadily to approximately 3% in 2000.

• 
  unnamed.png
  

The summary overview is too short. The summary overview should be at least 3 sentences long. That means the paragraph should refer to:

Sentence 1: Type of image
Sentence 2: Image reference
Sentence 3: Measurement type used

The trending summary should also be at least 3 sentences long if indicated as a stand alone paragraph. That is done when explaining a 2 or 3 image trend. In instances where that is not possible, the single trending sentence should be combined into the summary overview as sentence 4. This is done to help the paragraphs meet the academic requirement of 3-5 sentences per presentation section.

A major examination of the GRA skills of the writer will be done by the examiner for this essay. The reason being that he does not complete paragraph presentations, only run-on sentences. Run-on sentences will result in an overall failing score because the information presentation is too compressed and leads to a confusing explanation. The writer also shows limited sentence structuring abilities, a lack of punctuation usage knowledge, and an inability to clearly explain his thoughts to the reader.

These are the main reasons why, even though the writing meets the minimum word requirements, it will not receive a passing score.

These are my comments:
- The sentence "the Chinese counterpart underwent a comparatively similar pattern" should be put in overview
- The third paragraph should be divided into smaller sentences, you used such a complicated structure.