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These days, advertising for commercial use appears to boost the volume of sales. IELTS


Ilmi_03 47 / 69 11  
May 20, 2016   #1
Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

These days, advertising for commercial use appears to boost the volume of sales. A huge number of people vaying to buy such kind of brand name products. I strongly believe that most of consumers who purchase those not based on their primary necessities.

Advertising is able to drive the high level of sales. It is more likely related to the advance in information technologies that allows high intensity to promote a newly product. Recently, television has become a common-household property. A lot of products claimed as the best quality were displayed on the screen over the day, perform the best model to attract people. The other remarkable tools, smartphone accompanied with internet, makes companies possible to promote features intensively. Though, that modern people are hard to put their telephone down, they like to spend their time browsing marketable products on social account, such as facebook and instagram, where a heap of advertisements scattered. More often a product appear, it becomes more popular with all of its good value, and the consumer will believe and decide to buy it. Thus, it is clear that the high rates of advertisements will shorten the distance between consumer and company, furthermore increase the volume of sales significantly.

The more popular some products, the more desire consumers to purchase. Even, they do not need those primarily. Research found that a large number of women lure to buy absolutely precise product, such for fashionable. The women have had the red dress already, while they desire to buy the white one. The others purchase a new shoes, although the old ones still nice. This paradigm reveals that women doesn't need the feature actually, just a desire to own.

In brief, while advertising has power to drive a high volume of sales by introducing the best quality of products, I believe that most of consumers purchase something not as necessities, solely a desire. Therefore, consumers should make a shopping list to determine their priority.

akbartaufiq25 7 / 81 54  
May 21, 2016   #2
Hi Nurul, it is a pleasure to read your essay. The way you present the ideas is well-written, understandable, and coherent. What I do like the most is the powerful supporting statements to the thesis statement. It follows the idea of the main idea accurately.

Still, I think that you are able to improve this essay better once you can deal with the grammar problems. The following are my inputs to your essay:

"..people vpaying to buy such kind.." Becareful with mispelling.
"..to promote a newly product."
"The other remarkable tools, smartphone accompanied with internet, makes companies possible to promote features intensively ."I think this sentence is somewhat confusing. You may consider the following replacement to your sentence:

For instance, a remarkable tool such as smartphone allows companies promoting their product intensively.
"Though, that modern people are.." No need to put comma after "Though" in his sentence.
".. ,andso the consumer will believe.." The word "so" is more appropriate as it will indicate the cause and effect.
"..such for fashionable."
"Even, they do not need those things primarily."
"The others purchase a new shoes ,"

From your writing, I can say that you are excellent in writing. If you can overcome some grammatical issue, I am positive that the high score on IELTS writing is yours. Keep writing and actively giving your contribution to your families in EssayForum. Best regards.
ilankelo21 36 / 41 22  
May 21, 2016   #3
Introductory paragraph is the most essential part in task 2 of IELTS essay as this will imply what the writers wants to describe his/her idea in the following paragraph. It thus you are strongly recommended to pay more attention on this part. Here I give you an example.

The high sales of some trendy products are more influenced by the persuasive advertisement created these days, rather than the truly need of societies toward some goods.This essay will stand in line with such idea as the advertisement can affect customer decision and cover the huge number of buyers.

These days, advertising for commercial use appears to boost the volume of sales. A huge number of people vaying to buy such kind of brand name products. I strongly believe that most of consumers who purchase those not based on their primary necessities.
pebzna12 13 / 24 9  
May 22, 2016   #4
Hi, Ilmi!
Here are my suggestions.

Paragraph 1
A huge number of people vaying to buy such kind of brand name products. >> do you mean 'paying' or 'vying' ?

I strongly believe that most of consumers who ... >> below is my alternative:

I strongly believe that most of consumers purchase those products not be based on their primary necessities.

Paragraph 2
... displayed on the screen over the day, performed the best model to attract people. >> to keep the tense consistent
The otherAnother remarkable tools , smartphone (...) possible to promote (their online) features intensively
... with all of its good value, and the consumer will believe and decide to buy it >> here is my alternative: it has big potential to attract the consumer to buy it.

Thus, it is clear that the high rates of advertisements will shorten ... >> It is better to divide the sentence into two or if you want to maintain it in one sentence, below is my alternative:

Thus, it is clear that the high rates of advertisements will shorten the distance between consumer and company that will increase the volume of sales significantly.

Paragraph 3
The more popular some [...] do not need those primarily. >> I think it is better to combine them as below:
The popularity of certain products will affect consumer's desire to purchase them although when they are not needed.
Research found that a large number of women lured to buy absolutely precise product, such for (being) fashionable.
The commas are no needed in these two following sentences unless you put the connection in the first clause of each sentence.
The women have had the red dress already, while they desire to buy the white one.
The others purchase a new shoes, although the old ones still nice.

This paradigm reveals that womean doesn't need the feature ...

Hopefully that will be helpful. (:


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