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Personal Definition (AP Composition class)

TroubledWriter 1 / 1  
Sep 24, 2009   #1
HI, I am a Junior in High School. I don't know if this forum is for me, but I hope it can help me to improve my writing.

Here is the prompt for the first essay in my AP Composition class:

Drawing from your past experiences discuss what are/were the most important factors in making you who you are today.

Here is the essay I wrote:

A chubby finger pushes up on a horn rimmed pair of glasses on a little boy's face. That boy is me. I was playing in my first non-T ball baseball game ever. I was the next batter up. I walked out of the dug-out to the on-deck circle, not really knowing what to do. I picked up a bat and gingerly swung it around. Out of nowhere a voice shouts, "Batter up!" I stayed in the on-deck circle still swinging the bat around and constantly pushing up my glasses. Realizing I am the next batter up, I scurry to the plate, cheeks burning red. The first and second pitch go by, both are strikes. I looked at my coach for any advice at all, he said swing. Turning back to the pitcher, I tapped my bat on the plate and got ready to belt one out of the park. The final strike lofted over the plat and I struck out. Trying to hold back the urge to run off the field, I walked back to the dugout and sat down

This may not seem like too big of an incident in any respect, but for me this moment had a great impact on the way I handle unnerving situations. As a little, fat navy brat, I was going to have to become strong so I could face all the hardships to come my way.

By the time I was nine, my Dad had been gone on an aircraft carrier for six months. He had been sailing around the world for the Navy, but now it was time for him to come back to my family. His ship was going to be docked in San Diego, just after my school year was going to end. At the time we didn't exactly live close to San Diego, from our house it was a twelve hour drive. A few days before the ship planed to dock, my family piled in our purple mini-van and we started the long drive to San Diego. The hardest part about the drive wasn't the drive itself, it was the longing feeling I had been bottling up for the past months. It felt like I was going to burst. After hours of long driving, we pulled into the Navel base by the ocean. Where in just a short hour, my Dad would arrive. We got out of the car and stepped onto a huge concrete dock that had three or four gargantuan ships surrounding it. The smell of the salty water was strong in the air. My whole family was holding each others hands so we would not get separated. My family was in a huge crowd so we had to huddle close together. It was amazing to think that all of these people were waiting for loved ones to come home. I was constantly scanning the all encompassing ocean in front of me for any sign that a ship was approaching. On the horizon I was a tiny speck of gray, and as the minutes slid by it started to look more like a ship. Within minutes, the speck had transformed into the aircraft carrier that held my Dad. The ship docked and men dressed in white from head to toe poured out of the top of the ship and lined the edge of the deck. The crowd was cheering so loud I couldn't even ask my Mom a question. As the cheering died down, the men on top of the ship sung the national anthem while more men in white poured out of the ship and onto the dock. Eagerly awaiting my Dad's return, I could barely contain my excitement. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone approaching my family. I turned and embraced my Father, who had run up to hug me. I was proud of myself for being able to contain myself for my Dad's whole six Month trip. So I gave myself a reward, I let one tear go.

Going through the motions of my young life without my father present was very hard. It took a lot on my part to keep from breaking down. The experience was hard on the whole family, but since my dad and I are so close it was much harder. This wasn't the last time that my dad had to ship off.

I was in seventh grade and my Dad had only been gone for two of the six months of a tour. It hadn't took an emotional toll on me yet. I was getting off of the bus after school on a Tuesday. Something odd wad going on because my Dad's car was waiting to pick me up instead of my Mom's car. My Dad was sitting in the car and he looked kind of sad. He said that he was going to get out of the Navy and that if I wanted to Know why all I had to do was ask. In my head I thought of any scenario that could cause this. I decided that if it might change the opinion I had of him, I would not want to know. So I said one word, "No."

Strength can be defined in many ways, but for me it is the ability to be able to overcome the mental beating that comes from all directions. By this point in my life I don't know if I can truly be able to say what I am. The only thing I can think of to say about myself is that I am strong.

If you could help me with sentence structure and a way to make it flow better that would be really helpful.

Thank You

EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 24, 2009   #2
You talk a bit about yourself at the beginning and end of the essay, but mostly it seems to be about your Dad. You need to explain in more detail how your Dad has inspired and influenced you if you wish to fully follow the instructions you have been given.
OP TroubledWriter 1 / 1  
Sep 24, 2009   #3
thanks, I will add to the second paragraph to convey more of what you said.

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