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The desire of corporations to maximize profits makes conflict with the general welfare of the nation



vrustagi29 1 / 2  
Aug 5, 2016   #1
Analysis of Issue

The desire of corporations to maximize profits creates conflict with the general welfare of the nation at large

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations or reading.


Response:

In today's world, desire and necessity of people are increasing day-by-day. However, the rising of greed is not limited to a single individual or a small group of people. It is prevailing to all the small and big organization whose primary motive is only to make more profit either ethically or unethically. Organization's desire for more profit, thereby more money, affected the society at large on various factors such as health problem, Safety issues, increase in corruption. Therefore, I agree with the above assertion that focussing more on profit aspect will develop conflicts with the general welfare of the society and nation at large.

One such horrific scenario was the finding of pesticides in the soft drinks by famous brand Pepsi. In order to make people addicted to their soft drink brand, the company allows the use of pesticides and did not concern about the various health problems that the customers will encounter after the intake the soft drink. Such consumption by the customer often leads to fatal cases and death of the consumer.

Another such scenario is generally been seen in the construction projects where the safety of people at large is neglected just to make more profit. The construction group uses low-quality material and follow less standard practices in order to construct buildings, highway. Due to the use of such low-quality material, these constructions collapsed even in low Richter scale earthquakes, leading to many casualties and deaths. Along with the human loss, the collapse also degrades the current infrastructure and nation's image across the world.

The greediness of organization also gave rise to corruption at large. The higher management people tries to bribe the government officials as well as people who are working for their competitor. These tricks are been done in order to get big government project. This way corruption increases day-by-day and damages the national economy, thereby leads to less growth rate of a nation.

Therefore, the desire for more money through more profit affects the society in various ways and thereby, conflict with the general welfare of society at large.

ichanpants89 16 / 742  
Aug 5, 2016   #2
Hi Vrustagi, here's my feedback about your essay.

1st paragraph:
- I think that this paragraph is quite long for an introduction paragraph. It is unfortunate that you forgot to outline your thesis statement in order to improve the coherence and cohesion by giving overall progression about what would you like to discuss in the supporting paragraphs. I am sure by outlining your thesis statement, it will be beneficial towards your essay development later on.

2nd paragraph:
- I think that this paragraph needs a proper topic sentence rather than just giving an example in the first sentence. You need to write like what you've written in the third paragraph. This sentence from your third paragraph "the safety of people at large is neglected just to make more profit." is an example of an appropriate topic sentence. Therefore, I think you need to revise this paragraph structure by following your third paragraph structure.

3rd paragraph:
- It is already a good paragraph and structure. You've successfully elaborated your ideas in this paragraph clearly and appropriately.

Concluding paragraph:
- For me, it was just only "restating" what you've written. It wasn't a conclusion at all. It seems that you didn't give more efforts in summarizing the main points of your essay. If you think that you're confused, you can just simply paraphrase the outline of your thesis statement. That would give the reader clearer views than before.

There you have it Vrustagi, I hope you can consider my feedback as meaningful. Good luck in revising this essay or the next practice that you would probably gonna have. :)
OP vrustagi29 1 / 2  
Aug 6, 2016   #3
Hello ichanpants89,

Thank you for your feedback. I will consider it and work on it from next time.

Regarding your feedback, could you please help me in following:

1) Thesis statement is not mentioned:

As per my knowledge, a thesis statement keeps your view and suggest whether you are supporting the argument or not.
So accordingly, I have stated it as my last line in first paragraph.

Could you tell me what can be a better thesis.

2) Conclusion:

I totally agree with you that my conclusion is just restating my whole essay body. Could you please suggest a good statement for conclusion also, so that it will help me in my future essays.

Thanks
ichanpants89 16 / 742  
Aug 7, 2016   #4
Hello Vrustagi :)

Sorry for making you wait for quite long in responding your message. I would like to answer it clearly in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.

With regards to your fist inquiry about thesis statement, I am pretty sure that I didn't mention that you've forgotten to write a thesis statement. What I mean is that you forgot to OUTLINE your thesis statement to the reader. This makes you failed to link supporting paragraphs successfully. Here's an example of an appropriate "outline" for your thesis statement:

- Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact that people's health are being neglected by some companies and secondly, discuss the greediness of companies which leads to corruption.

Furthermore, a concluding paragraph should include:
- Summary of your main points and your opinion (1st sentence)
- Recommendation, fear, or hope for the future (2nd sentence)
Don't write any new ideas in this paragraph
A good conclusion should just paraphrase your thesis statement and your main supporting points.

In conclusion, I firmly agree that company's greediness to exploit much more profits by neglecting people's health and safety would significantly affect people in a large scale. Thus, I hope that government can take immediate action to solve this problem in the near future.
OP vrustagi29 1 / 2  
Aug 7, 2016   #5
Hello ichanpants89,

Thank for your feedback.
I will work on these things and will consider these points from next time.


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