Different opinions regarding weather children should be taught to be competitive or cooperative

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Other believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

competition and cooperation among children

People have different opinions regarding weather children should be taught to be competitive or cooperative. Although competitiveness can sometimes be profitable in life, but from my perspective trying to cooperate is more prominent.

On one hand, children challenging each other have some valuable benefits. First of all, whilst they strongly contest to achieve a precious end, not only they are unconsciously boosting their growth and aptitude, but also surely find out where their owns failings are. Consequently, this healthful rivalry may generate a persistent and also courageous child who confidently can dare outdoor difficulties. Moreover, being competitive not to mention in children's lessons make outstanding contributions to their encouragement in direction of diligence and so initiative.

On the other hand, sense of humanity and friendship never rises until children gather up and make common cause with each other over the life obstacles. To cite an example, children's friendly interactions on a after-school birthday party would be purposive. Their teamwork in order to buy birthday items, perfectly installing them, laying tables, preparing cake and all other stuffs require for a part together could teach them an important lesson of life. More precisely, if they become united they could win trough all the troubles and attain whatever their desire. Along side this, there are substantial advantages to it, some of which could be advance pace of progress, spread love and kindness, decrease of depression and etc. that worth to be considered.

On the whole, both competitive and cooperative characteristics of children are beneficent, but I believe children work together could derive crucial profits which would be useful in their future life.

(307 words)

Hi guys.
I hope you're doing ok. Really need your precious opinions regarding my essay. I'll be deeply grateful if you correct and give me an estimated band.

Thanks a lot in advance.

There are few sentence construction which I would like to make:-

1st paragraph:
weather whether
... from my perspective, trying to ...

3rd paragraph:-
On the other hand, a sense of ...

... interactions on a an after-school ...
... could be advanced pace of ...

Overall good read, however in the third paragraph, before citing an example, the first statement should be explained better. After making a statement, there should be a supporting explanation followed by an example.

Hope this helps!!!

@eeeeeeehsan
The structure looks fine. I just have one comment. For the second paragraph, could you summarize the essay in the last line as you did for the third one?

Another note, do try to write down essays on hand, it's much more helpful for IELTS prep.

Good luck!

Ehsan, , since you have a prompt deviation in the essay, I need to score you on a per criteria basis instead of an overall projection. You created a prompt deviation in your opening paragraph and then proceeded to support that deviation in the body of paragraphs, which led to the failing score. You were asked to discuss both points of view prior to giving your opinion. What you did in this essay was discuss only your point of view of the two discussion sides. That meant your essay only partially responded to the prompt requirement. The original requirement was for you to discuss both points of view and then your personal opinion. Therefore, your scores will be as follows:

TA - 4 - due to the prompt deviation that created only a partial response to the prompt. You have an improper prompt representation. The correct presentation is:

There are people who believe that a healthy sense of competition is important to develop in children. While others thing that cooperation is more beneficial because it will create a responsible young person in the future. In this essay, I will discuss these two points of view prior to the discussion of my opinion on the topic in the later part of the essay.

C&C - 6 - you have an engaging presentation that uses relevant and related information. You clearly connected your ideas in each paragraph.
LR - 6 - Your word usage is impressive as it uses some less common English words and is used in the proper context.
GRA - 6 - Your sentence structures are higher than average in presentation. However, there are some mistakes in the development that create a little stress for the reader.

I scored your essay on an individual criteria basis and that resulted in a higher score for the other parts of the essay while you failed the TA portion. In the actual test, I am not sure how the examiner will score you based on more intricate scoring considerations per criteria. So my scores should be taken only on an individual basis instead of collectively. Had you not made a mistake in the prompt presentation and actual discussion, I bet you would have gotten an impressive collective score.

@Holt
Thank a lot Mary Rose or dear Holt. You remind me of Captain Ray Holt in Brooklyn 99 Tv series :)
I'll try my best to work on the points you mentioned.