IELTS, nowadays it is more difficult to concentrate or pay attention in school.

Please feel free to comment on my essay

If we look at our children's daily routine, it would be surprising that how much it is different from our time? Their time was tightly linked with technologies, that result in being heavily disturbed by them in return and poor performance at school. In this essay, i will examine the implications of computer and television on children's coursework and suggest a way to deal with it.

To begin with, there has been a considerable number of computer games and game applications. Since computer game is one of lucrative business, enterprises are enticing children as their customer and offering a various kind of games. As a consequence, children is addicted to the games and time children should spend on coursework is decreasing as time for playing increasing. For example, My younger brother and his classmate used to go to PC game center, that lead to poor grading at school. Furthermore, another main kind of disturbance is the television. Cartoons, children's programs and other television programs make children pay less a attention to their lessons because those are much interesting than lessons.

Key to tackle down that problems is directly dependence from parents. Parents should work with their children on the matter of schedule and help them to arrange time for both playing and learning. Moreover, Children should highly encouraged to understand the importance of school at their future life and dedicated to perform well at school.

In the conclusion, I am highly convinced that there are 2 kind of disturbance on children: computer game and television. Parent should seriously talk to their children about significance of lessons and help them to arrange timetable effectively.

First, include the essay prompt in your essay so that we get a better understanding about it to provide you with more meaningful comments. Your topic title alone is not enough for that purpose :(


I think you need to improve the presentation of this idea. With this you are trying to introduce the issue to the reader. So, this is the most important part of your intro and it should be very very clear for the reader.

You should include the full prompt whenever posting an essay because without it, it's hard for us to know whether some sentences are relevant or not to the topic.


The question mark is inappropriate here and "how much it is different" should be replaced by "how different it is".


Children would sacrifice their studying time for playing computer games.


which led to some academic problems at school.
Don't use "that" after commas.


draw more attention from students than their lessons do.


This part is confusing. Do you mean the solution to this problem depends of parents?

... are


..those


..better if you write two



... you have to consistent, parents or parent

hi, nice idea. It is understand enough for me.


and


same as Dumi and MisterWandering taking prompt is useful to know what the prompt wants from ur writing.

... this sounds pretty awkward
"The key to tackle these problems " / "The key to address these problems" / "The key to solve these problems"


.... this is a very very confusing sentence. It doesn't deliver any clear idea :(
Do you mean -
The key to solve these problems is having parents more involved with their children's affairs.

You have had very great commentaries :)

Here are a few details to work with your concluding paragraph


THE CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH
This has three parts:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1 a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)