'discussion in Indian parliament' Teens have paid jobs during studying? (Toefl)

Q) Following is the Tofel Topic and I completed it in 30 Minutes .Please suggest How I can improve this within given time ?And if possible please also let me know how much score can I get with this essay

Topic :Should teenagers have paid jobs while they are students? (Tofel Topic)

There was a discussion in Indian parliament about whether student or teenager should be allowed to do job while studying or not . Some delegates gave opinion in its favour as they think that job while studying will give student better financial status to afford there studies .

On the other hand some opposed this opinion thinking that job at teenage age which is between(15-19 years ) is not good because after job students will not able to concentrate well on there studies which will decrease their performance in education and hence level of talent a country can produce get degraded .

Job at such small age can also effect their health badly .

First and foremost reason to deny work for teenager is that they will not able to focus on their studies which is there prime duty. After getting job student have too spend most of his time at his workplace and hardly get two to three hours per day for studies which I think it is insufficient to face cut throat competition in market . This will going to decrease there performance and quality of professional which a country can produce .

In addition to this looking at their young age employer can exploit them by giving them very low level jobs which can make them very tired and making them difficult to study after going home . Moreover at teenage students are not mature enough to know where to invest money so they can invest money in activities like gambling , movies ,drinking ,smoking which I think is not good at their age.

Second reason for my refusal of part time jobs at such a small age is it can badly effect their health. Employer mostly try to exploit young age student looking at their immatureness and by giving them work which is hazardous for their health .Example of this kind happened in my locality just two months back where a 16 year child was expired while working in a cracker company .

In light of above points I can conclude that work at teenager age is neither good for individual nor for country .Hence it should be banned at every cost.

Thanks and Regards

SAURABH JAIN

you have written good essay but you should elaborate more,

Dear Niraj

Would you like me to elaborate it by giving more examples or by giving more reasons .

Thanks and Regards
SAURABH JAIN

In the first paragraph you state two sides of the discussion but you didn't write your own oppion. I think before you move on to the specific reasons you should write one more sentence saying that you agree with the latter oppion that children should not take jobs while they're studying. That way the passage gives clear idea.

Also there are some grammar problems.Copy the essay in a word processing softwore then you can see them. However, it's innevitable because you finish it in such short time. Good for you. Generally a good job!

The idea of the essay is quite good, and it quite strong, but a way to make it stronger is to put forward that doesn't support your side of the argument, and then give a counter argument why this is false or why, this isn't valid or say that there are more negatives than positive. I know you already talked about ther other side of the argument but you can go further a give a counter argument.

For example you can say: Some people say, you can make some money, but would you rather have them gain some money instead of staying focused in class (or like having time to study or whatever other thing you can say)?

I hope you understand what I mean.

There were a few grammatical errors in your essay also:

Saying 'First and foremost reason' doesn't make sense - you should say, 'my first reason' or 'first and foremost teenagers should be denied ...(then state your reason).

A job at a small age wil.. (you omitted the word A - proofreading would normally prevent mistake like these though.
You did this a couple of times (also with words like 'the')

In a few places you left out commas ( it helps reading out the essay, where it feels that you take a short pause, there probably should be a comma there.

Generally good though.

JUST MY OPINION

Definitely elaborate more

Work on articles and plurals. Watch out for homonyms.

There was a discussion in the Indian parliament about whether or not students or teenagers should be allowed to hold jobs while studying.

Some delegates gave opinions(or an opinion in its favour, as they think that holding jobs while studying will give students better financial status to afford their studies .

And try to avoid overgeneraliztions. For instance, to say that teenagers are uniformly immature, drunken, drug-addicted gamblers as if this were true of all teenagers is patently false.