Hi! Here is my Toefl writing task 2 essay. Please help me review it. Thank you!
DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT?
It is better for people to choose jobs that come with high salaries even though they do not enjoy doing it than to choose jobs that they enjoy but come with low salaries.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
There are many factors that need taking into account when making a career choice, including salary and personal interests. Nevertheless, whether people should pursue a well-paid job that they dislike or a low-paid job that they are passionate about remains controversial. In my opinion, chasing our dream jobs is always better even if they offer low wages. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following paragraphs.
Firstly, following the job that we have no interest in reduces our chances of stepping up the career ladder. If we do not love the job, we are likely to give a poor performance in the workplace and not being able to achieve the highest level of personal productivity. Working environment is highly competitive and people with passion and dedication for the same job can easily outshine us. They produce better outcomes at work and make better impressions on the manager. Employers prefer someone with willingness and capability to complete the work efficiently and effectively. Consequently, those with no interest for the job face the risk of being passed over for promotion.
Secondly, people choosing a job that they do not enjoy may suffer from pressure and job-dissatisfaction. The majority of our time during the day is spent on work. Hence, having to deal with tasks and projects that we find boring can cause us to feel stressed and discouraged. Take my uncle as an example, in order to cope with financial burden, he decided to choose a job that offers a high salary even though he did not enjoy. It was demanding and my uncle had to work very hard. As a result, he did not derive any pleasure from his job. Sometimes, he even stayed up all night to meet the deadline, which was extremely unpleasant. Having to struggle with works that he does not enjoy made him feel irritated and upset.
In conclusion, I believe that people should pursue a career that they love despite the low salary rather than a high-paid job that they dislike. Otherwise, they not only have less opportunity of promoting to higher positions but also suffer from job-dissatisfaction.
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In this discussion, you should have shown a comparison between people who do the job for money and those who do it because they enjoy doing the job. You could have used both your discussion points, but offered an alternative scenario so that the examiner would have a better idea of why you believe that people who work in jobs they love, even if the pay is lower, would be more productive and happier when doing their paid tasks. As of now, you have given good discussion representations related to the "unhappiness" of people working in jobs only for money. The discussion lacks balance, the balance would have come from the "low pay but happy worker" presentation of the essay.
It's a fantastic essay but I'd change a bit the way the last sentences are written. "not only have less opportunity of
promoting" "being promoted" would sound better in this case and also "suffer from job-dissatisfaction" sounds a bit strange to me, I'd say "experience job dissatisfaction"
Hi, I would like to provide my thoughts of your essay.
Your essay has a very strong stance of disagreeing with the statement. It is very nice and surely builds a good essay. However you can improve it by writing a more all-round essay. In other words, in addition of stating your stance and support arguments, it will be better if you provide cases where the opposite side of your stance may also fare well. That way your essay will be more balanced and will shine brighter.
Hope this helps :)