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Discussion about young people ignoring some traditional beliefs

zeal 5 / 14 8  
Mar 19, 2017   #1
hello everyone, this is my first post and my writing. please correct me and advise me.

Globalization and lost identity

It is a well known fact that previously accepted traditional beliefs are ignored by people of the twenty first century. There are inevitable consequences of globalization and system corruption. In this essay, the impacts of globalization and system failure, and the ways to tackle their effects will be discussed.

To start with, globalization, which means that rapid and easy accessible of information, news, and culture, fashions, behaviours, ways of thinking from countries to countries, tempts young citizens to break their norms. In other words, they are reluctant to obey their parents' talks, become more materialistic and less religious than previous decades. As mentioned above, it is an undeniable fact that the situation is challenging for every modern country, and so, trying to improve the cultural value by using the benefits of globalization such as promoting one's cultural norms in social media would be the best approach. To do that, the government should arrange to broadcast TV programmes regarding the tradition, as an example.

Another big problem is system corruption. The failed system makes people's morals bad, as a result, most people today do not feel ashamed as they did in the past, for instance, students in this century are very easy to commit theft in the examination room. Although it would be difficult to correct the problem, it is possible to find a solution by a concerted efforts by both the government and the public such as enacting laws, enforcing laws and so on.

To conclude, although losing cultural beliefs is inevitable issue in modern countries, it is my contention that it has to be tackled by legislation. In my opinion, it is important for every citizen to value and maintain their traditional cultures and norms.

akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Mar 19, 2017   #2
Hello Zeal, welcome to Essay Forum. This is a proper medium for improving your writing skill.
I have read your essay closely. Honestly, there were many things you should improve. In the first sentence, you are gonna lose your score because you can display the meaning of the given statement. It is meant that you could not successfully paraphrase the statement and in my vantage point that is very different. Unfortunately, that you did in the first sentence so that the examiner will easily know your mistakes what you can review in the next sentences. Following that, your thesis statement at the last sentence in the same paragraph was less strong to show what you would review in the body paragraph.

Turning to the body paragraphs, I cannot give you many comments because you are not able to answer the prompts clearly. Your both body paragraphs are so messy and readers could not get what you wanna achieve there. I suggest you that you are supposed to review causes of the matter in the first and the solution in the second so that those seem better and systematically. On tha other hand, your conclusion did not cover what you have mentioned. Keep in your mind that the conclusion should restate what you reviewed in the body paragraph, but it is explained briefly. In other words, to make the conclusion, you paraphrase your thesis statement.

In fact, you have not met requirement succesfully, so you can get the high score hardly. I believe you can understand and master this quickly if you wanna provide your time to read examples of essay. Happy writing, GOOD LUCK
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,784 3107  
Mar 19, 2017   #3
Phone, the only score that this essay can get as an IELTS discussion topic would be a 3 due to your lack of English comprehension. the discussion that you presented does not follow the prompt requirements at all. The evidence of your lack of understanding of the prompt requirements rests in the way that you misrepresented the paraphrased topic and instructions for discussion. You somehow turned a discussion about cultural values into a discussion about globalization and system corruption. Cultural values have nothing to do with globalization. It is this confusion that you had regarding the prompt discussion that caused the failing score of your essay. Since you are still practicing your essay writing abilities, it is important that you take the time to fully understand the prompt requirements. Do not begin writing unless you are absolutely sure that you understand the question being asked. If you feel uncertain, ask clarification questions. Do these things during the practice sessions a few times. Don't forget to keep reading in English so that you will develop your comprehension skills.
OP zeal 5 / 14 8  
Mar 24, 2017   #4

thank you very much for the comments and correction.

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