Dream, the only harmless drug in the world - gap year explanation

Hi, this is my gap year explanation essay.Apart from the grammatical mistakes , i'm quite concerned with the last para.Any suggestions, critiques are welcomed. Help!

Dream, the only harmless drug in the world. We may have an overdose, though the hangover needs to be controlled with passion, determination and conviction. I dreamt of studying in the US.

Having attended a 9 to 4 school and other tutorial classes, my high school days were spent remaining outside for almost twelve hours a day. Only after graduation, I realized that four crucial years of my life were spent in-studying for school, for tuitions, and state and national levels. When results were declared, I was shocked and had no words to describe my grief. It took me days to swallow the fact that the girl, once who scored A's and who was famous for her computer programming has failed to secure a place in a government college.

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Gia, I don't see any clear reason that can qualify as your definite reason for taking a gap year. Did you take a gap year to learn how to play the guitar? I which case, you will definitely have presented yourself in a very bad light to the reading admissions officer. One of the acceptable reasons for a gap year is to be able to take a break from academics without truly giving up the learning experience. Try to relate your year away from school with some non-academic learning experiences that you have had. Volunteering your services or working for a year before college is always looked upon favorably by the admissions officers because it shows that you did not waste that year of your life. You were actually productive and learning something new in the form of life lessons. Is there a chance that you will be able to revise your essay to reflect such a development in your life? I believe that it will really help make your explanation more effective.

thanks Louisa for the feedback.Honestly speaking, since I graduated in late July, I didn't had much time to join Volunteering as i had to catch up with my SATs. However, i'll be volunteering for SMILE(NGO) from 10th DEC.

In that case, you must concentrate on explaining how you spent a full academic year just preparing for your SAT's. What did you do in preparation during this time? Be detailed. Discuss the lessons you learned about yourself and your desire to finish school during this time. Try to offer a look into your world during that gap year. Explain why you neglected to pass the SAT's the first time you took it. The year it took you to prepare to take the test again must have been nerve wracking but eye opening for you. Be sure to point that out in your essay. The admissions officer needs to be convinced that you have an acceptable reason for having taken a gap year in order to make him or her consider your application. Not passing the SAT's and needing to take time to better prepare for the second take is a very acceptable reason to have taken a gap year. Concentrate on that in order to show that you have matured over the past year. Whether you have volunteer activities to speak of or not does not matter at this point. You have found your reason for the gap year already :-)

thanks Louisa , it was really encouraging!...btw I had a two week session at a school teaching for slum girls.Do you think I should add that and then talk about how i got inspiration from those slum girls for my SAT preps? would that be effective?

Definitely mention the slum girls and any other experience that you have which can possibly indicate a non academic learning environment for you. The goal here is to show and highlight the fact that you managed to get some sort of education while away from the academic setting. Reiterate the fact that these girls inspired you to retake the SAT's and dream higher and bigger than you used to. Explain how that year away from school was not only a learning, but also a reflective experience for you that helped you find your true path in life. However, you should not make yourself sound like too much of a wanderer. Instead, portray yourself as someone who had many paths to choose from in life and needed help on deciding which one would be perfect for you. That is how you can perfectly work in the slum girls story into your essay. Make them the inspiring point of that whole year in your life :-)

thank you so much..I'll come up with my new draft soon...

Gia, you don't really need to go into vivid detail as to the events that led up to your gap year. You only need to respond by telling the reader how your gap year was spent. Deleting the first paragraph altogether will fix your word count problem and also better align your response to the prompt. You also need to revise the essay because it really sounds like you are wallowing in self pity. and there is no room for that in this type of essay. You need to sound highly positive and ensure that you make the reader believe that you spent your gap year wisely and came away from it better educated and more aware of the world around you. Do not, under any circumstances, present yourself in a negative light for any reason. Don't jeopardize your chance at being viewed as a positive example. This essay is all about learning how to redirect any negative information to your advantage. Please do that.

I have made some changes, and presented it in a new angle. Though, I have not mentioned any reason for taking up gap year. Would you mind helping me with that?.

Raising my voice I said," stop talking and listen everybody", Whispers continuing. Suddenly a co-worker advised, "If you want kids to listen, lower your voice instead of raising it. Whisper, 'If you can hear me, touch your nose'. I did exactly what he said, and was taken aback by the kids' response!

My gap year started off by teaching slum girls at a local school. Our first task was convincing and inviting girls from different slum areas of our city. Definitely, this wasn't a smooth task. Their parents, aware of their futile future, devoid of hope were reluctant to let their daughters study rather than work as maids or marry in their early teens.

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Gia, let's try to present the reason for your gap year at the very start of the essay.

The essay you wrote is already solid, we just need to give it an effective hook at the start if you replace what you have now with something similar to my introduction or my introduction itself, it should work. Don't worry about the word count, it will go down by itself and we can force it to have lesser words when the final draft comes :-)

the intro is amazing..I'll use yours..:).. However ,I think I need to work more on my conclusion before jumping on to the next draft.Do you think my conclusion is strong enough?

Just to be clear, the conclusion we are talking about here is as follows:


You have to correct the word divers to "diverse". Divers are people who like to dive into pools or go snorkeling or deep sea diving. Diverse means many different experiences. Perhaps you can add more life lessons that you have collectively learned over the past months in order to make it a stronger conclusion and allow more insight into how you spent your gap year. After all, you are supposed to explain about the elements that make up the year you spent away from academics.

I edited it down to 580 words for you. I hope you like this version :-)

Dreams, the only harmless drug in the world. I grew up a dreamer. A dreamer, who was surrounded by images of slum girls who were not as lucky as I was in life. While I grew up with the opportunity to afford the best education, these girls did not. After I graduated, I suffered from an "academic burnout" just like the other high school graduates. Thus, I took a gap year to recharge my batteries and follow my dreams. While others taking a gap year took off for foreign adventures, I went to the slums to fulfill the dreams of my addiction, that of helping to educate the slum girls. I allowed myself to be hooked on that drug, a drug that harmlessly taught me about social disparity and the need for more quality education in my country.

My gap year started by teaching slum girls at a local school. This wasn't a smooth task. Their parents were devoid of hope and reluctant to let their daughters study rather than work as maids or marry in their early teens. With twelve teachers and even more volunteers I marched off to slum areas, encouraging the girls to consider education. We made various posters and recited stories of inspiring world leaders for our fifteen minute conversation at each area. After three days of awareness campaign, I expected around twenty to thirty students; I was overjoyed watching fifty eight turning up at the school. They were not only girls, but women in their thirty's and forty's, all with different faith and religion, though with the same motto- Education.

At first, they couldn't even hold a pencil. Girls, who once worked as maids, now had aspirations of becoming doctors, engineers, and even social workers. This valuable experience has made me more responsible towards our society. I realized how gifted I am to have the power of education.The experience infused me with leadership qualities and patience. Working with people of different ages has developed my compatibility and maturity. Dealing with kids was one of the difficult and fragile aspects, and it was a no exception in my case. Teaching them, especially in their own quirky ways has made me adapt quickly to various methods and situations. I became aware of their psychology and the caring attitudes that one needs to adopt for not only kids but people of all ages.

These girls, unknowingly, took us into their own carefree world and transmitted positive energy to all of our team. At the end of my term, few girls came and told how they have enrolled in a local school with our support and guidance, and gifted a handmade card with caption- "Thank You Teacher". For a moment, I felt like an angel who fulfilled a wish of a child; a feeling every teacher experiences. However, I knew that these girls were the real teachers during those days. I envisage them in white shirts and blue skirts writing their own future someday. Watching these girls with several aspirations, with my education I wish to eradicate illiteracy and create an educational base for every child possible.

Now, I feel completely ready for all the obstacles and challenges in my upcoming college life. This year has rejuvenated me and added confidence to conquer my goals. I wouldn't have gained diverse knowledge, if I would have ignored this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Surely, the rest of my gap year has a lot lessons in store, guiding to the next step- my college life.

thanks you so much!...This is perfect!..:)